Michael Cargill

Regular updates of sarcastic and irreverent nonsense.

JR Ewing from Dallas reviews Titanic

jr ewingOh, hello there.  Sorry to keep you waiting I was just enjoying a nice glass of lemonade.  As an owner of an oil tanker or two I consider myself an expert on the subject of big boats so I was looking forward to this film.  It starts off with some soppy bloke looking underwater for… something, I can’t remember what exactly.  There is also a fatty with a beard who looks like he drinks far too much lemonade.  Then some old bat turns up and talks about old people stuff for 20 minutes and it turns out that she was a survivor.  Apparently this makes her an ‘expert’ but I could tell right away that she didn’t know shit and it all goes downhill from there.

One thing that must be mentioned are the special effects.  By Christ’s own Stetson hat are they good.  At one point there is this woman wearing some shoes.  At another bit there is some water coming through a window.  Some of it is real and some of it just special effects but – get this – you can’t tell which bits are real or not!  Mind you, I did spot in one scene there is a glass of what is supposed to be gin or water but it is, in fact, lemonade.  I can tell from some of the bubbles and from seeing quite a few glasses of ‘ade in my time.

After a while it all gets a bit far-fetched when the boat hits an iceberg and starts sinking.  I mean really, come on.  Then all these English people suddenly turn up for no reason.  English people can piss off.  Actually I have just realised something; the old butler man was English as well.  See, I told you those special effects were good.  I just couldn’t tell at the time.  Usually they have bad breath and wonky teeth but in the film they were perfect.  Then some stuff happens and the old bat is talking again.  Then I got confused because it ends with a load of people clapping when the tasty bint and the gay-looking bloke who died in the water kiss each other.  Why weren’t they clapping when he was drawing a picture of her when she had her tits out?  They missed a trick there.

Now then.  Fancy some Schweppes?

18 responses to “JR Ewing from Dallas reviews Titanic

  1. kickingsport 02/27/2012 at 11:34 AM

    Ha ha about time someone gave a more critical review of this one. Always thought it was a bit of a damp squib – literally!

  2. A Gripping Life 02/27/2012 at 1:07 PM

    Haha! Funniest line… “By Christ’s own Stetson hat are they good.”
    JR Ewing is not the sharpest tool in the shed and it probably doesn’t help that his lemonade is spiked. Still, his review is pretty dead on.

  3. themiddlestsister 02/27/2012 at 1:22 PM

    Lemonade is lemon juice, water, and sugar over here in Stetson-hat-wearing-landia, Mr. Cargill 🙂 Very funny review, I loved it more than “Titanic”!

  4. No Blog Intended 02/27/2012 at 4:54 PM

    What about the special effect of the hand that slaps the window of the car?
    What about the people diving into the fire to get out of the boat? Oh wait- that was Poseidon. Yeah, JR, I think you’ll like Poseidon way more! No kissing! No clapping! Just a broken boat.

  5. Lily 02/27/2012 at 5:38 PM

    “By Christ’s own Stetson hat are they good.” Perfect response. I lived in Utah for a bit and even though no one said this, I wish they had. I think J.R. is on to something about the creators of Titanic using lemonade. Smart guy.

  6. Anna 02/27/2012 at 6:55 PM

    We British don’t have bad teeth. But we do have razor sharp talons that emerge from our knuckles whenever someone spills our tea… a bit like that guy from X-Men, only much more pathetic and caffeine-fuelled. It’s one of those stereotypes that just happens to be true.

  7. mooselicker 02/27/2012 at 8:43 PM

    George W. Bush should review the movie as well. I’d like to see if there are any parallels between them.

    Remember when Maggie Simpson shot J.R.?

  8. Addie 02/28/2012 at 12:30 AM

    This comment deserves a reward:

    ‘By Christ’s own Stetson’–I applaud you, sir.

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