Jake – my latest book now available! Free for reviewers and followers

At last!  It’s here!  It’s finished!  My latest book is now occupying the digital shelves of an online shop somewhere near you.  And by jove, would it be thrilled to have your mouse pointer tickling under its nose.

All those months of head scratching, typing, formatting, the endless rounds of editing and begging people to help me with the proof reading… I’m sick of the sight of the damned thing.  But it’s finished!  WOWZERS.

And I’ll be starting a new one soon…

This particular story is centred around a teenage boy called Jake, and it’s all about the teenage insecurities that are bouncing around his head as he battles from one day to the next.  There’s drama, there’s jealousy, there’s shouting, there’s tragedy, there’s… well, you’ll just have to see for yourself.

I’d like to thank OCD Reader, Weichu, and Louise Savage for their gracious help during the editing stages.  Their delicate beady eyes spotted what my tired puffy ones could not.

Kindlers can download it directly from Amazon US and Amazon UK, whilst owners of Nooks and the like can download the epub/PDF/Sony version from Smashwords

If you’re willing to write a short review of the book on somewhere like Amazon, Facebook, Goodreads, or your blog then you can grab yourself a free copy from Smashwords using this code – JU97J

Jealousy, lust, and teenage insecurities are the lifeblood of any large school.

Loneliness can strike without warning, spreading through the cramped corridors like an epidemic.

Out on the playground, rivalries are formed from the pettiest of incidents.

Some people look at Jake in awe, others look at him with hatred.

Jake is just an ordinary boy who wants to be liked.

Jake wants to know why the girls never seem to notice him.

Jake is… well, he’s Jake.

Vladimir Putin reviews a glass of Coke

Hail, comrades! Today I take special delivery of Coca Cola, elixir of taste and fizz. Coke is symbol of Western propaganda, so it delivered in secure box and guarded by KGB agents who ride atop mighty steed of grizzly bear. If Coke manage to escape and run away, it might setup camp in woods and organise democracy rally march. For security I make sure all doors and windows closed, plugs in sink and bath stuffed with ear wax, and chimney blocked with carcass of starving horse. I also leave key in keyhole, so Coke not able to sneak look outside of room.

I unscrew lid of Coke and immediately I see it froth up and try to escape. I let fizz come out slow, so as to keep it in bottle cage. When pour in glass it take me by surprise and froth up much faster and this time it escape over rim of glass! I shout and call in guards so they stop it run away. They get hairdryers and shoot hot air at Coke so it dry up and no trickle across floor. I worry that if it get in ground then Coke plant sprout up and have lots of Father Christmases grow from branches. Father Christmas well known for emptying his sack in sock of children, much like Catholic priest.

Now come to taste Coke, but I worry that Coke is like virus and infect me to be host for something bad. I get guard to drink Coke and then I smell his burp to see if I like or not. Guard drink it but he no burp. I tell him drink more, but he still no burp. I have guard shot for being traitor and decide to drink Coke myself. It nice and tasty and make me do loud burp. I hear guard laughing at my burp so I set bear on him and then I kill bear by getting in headlock.

Next week, if I manage to get tin opener back from neighbour I review Heinz tomato soup.

Hook cleric Abu Hamza reviews his favourite Transformers

Hello there peeps. Today, I welcome both infidels and fans of The Sharia as I take break from shouting about things I hate. For now I speak about thing everybody should love: TRANSFORMERS! They my favourite toy and I often sing words like ‘Robots in de skies!’ when I am get ready for preachings of hate. Film was bit rubbish as they no make proper noise. Michael Bay is asshole and double infidel so I shout lots of hate about him and family.

Optimus Prime

Prime is brave leader of Autobots. I no mind Prime much as he transform into truck which handy for popping to curtain rail shop if need spare hook for hand. He also have holo-projector, which good for holo-project The Sharia on buildings and backside of infidels.

Megatron

‘Tron is bad man of Decepticons. He transform into gun which good for stopping infidel, but where he keep spare copy of The Sharia? I always carry emergency spare in pack of fannies in case I leave on train or when shouting hate in local non-halal butchers.

Arcee

This is lady bot which make me feel offend. She turn into car which stupid as women no allowed to drive. Car boot would be good for keeping spare veils for ladies in case they lose theirs when eating snack of Pringles. Pringles nice and popular with Ladies of The Sharia, they use empty tube for handbag or kaleidoscope.

Sharia Hate Infidelbot

This new Transformer that I invent myself. I once try to draw him but I get too excite and tear paper with hook-hand by accident. He turn into megaphone so can shout hate and say The Sharia very loud anywhere he goes. It also have grill turny thing so can make halal kebabs when hungry after Sharia roadshow. Sometimes people dress up as hobbits from Lord of Rings when they hear about The Sharia. I no mind but wish they would put something on feet.

Sir Francis Drake reviews his Subway sandwich experience

Tally ho, chaps! Now, before I begin, if I find out that any French or Spanish people are reading this I will have them arrested and thrown in prison, so bloody clear off. Anyway. Most of the time when I am hungry I jump on my horse and go for a jolly hunt somewhere in the woods like every fine English gentleman does. However, today it is raining, and flushing out the pheasants is a ghastly business in the wet so I decided to pop along to that new Subway sandwich place to see what the fuss is all about. And by golly, was it exciting – I even saw William Shakespeare in the queue! I know he can’t write for shit but his wife has a cracking little arse on her and I let out a chortle when I heard him pronounce ‘jalapeno’ incorrectly.

When I first walked in to the place the door made a ‘ting-a-ling’ sound which I hadn’t ever heard before. I thought we were under attack but it turns out that a bell was attached to the door via a complex rope-and-pulley system. I had no idea that the sandwich industry had progressed so much over the last few years.

The man behind the counter asked me what bread I wanted. “However the Earl of Sandwich has it!” I boomed, leading him to look at me as if I was a Frenchman taking a shit on his doorstep. Then I saw the actual bread selection and asked for an Italian herb ‘n’ cheese.

Now the questions started to come thick and fast – do I want extra cheese? Would I like it toasted? Had I heard about the sub of the day? I was feeling a bit under pressure so I decided to play for time. “Good God man are you the Spanish Inquisition?” I asked, before spotting ‘meatball marinara’ up on the menu board. Although I had no idea what it was I didn’t get to where I am today without taking any chances. “And don’t spare the marinara stuff either,” I said, fixing him with one of my steely gazes. Annoyingly my eye started to itch so it probably looked like I chickened out when I started rubbing it. Finally, with the transaction completed, I grabbed my sandwich and ran all the way home so as to feast in private.

Oh drat and blast! I forgot to get my Subway membership card stamped.

JR Ewing from Dallas reviews Titanic

Oh, hello there.  Sorry to keep you waiting I was just enjoying a nice glass of lemonade.  As an owner of an oil tanker or two I consider myself an expert on the subject of big boats so I was looking forward to this film.  It starts off with some soppy bloke looking underwater for… something, I can’t remember what exactly.  There is also a fatty with a beard who looks like he drinks far too much lemonade.  Then some old bat turns up and talks about old people stuff for 20 minutes and it turns out that she was a survivor.  Apparently this makes her an ‘expert’ but I could tell right away that she didn’t know shit and it all goes downhill from there.

One thing that must be mentioned are the special effects.  By Christ’s own Stetson hat are they good.  At one point there is this woman wearing some shoes.  At another bit there is some water coming through a window.  Some of it is real and some of it just special effects but – get this – you can’t tell which bits are real or not!  Mind you, I did spot in one scene there is a glass of what is supposed to be gin or water but it is, in fact, lemonade.  I can tell from some of the bubbles and from seeing quite a few glasses of ‘ade in my time.

After a while it all gets a bit far-fetched when the boat hits an iceberg and starts sinking.  I mean really, come on.  Then all these English people suddenly turn up for no reason.  English people can piss off.  Actually I have just realised something; the old butler man was English as well.  See, I told you those special effects were good.  I just couldn’t tell at the time.  Usually they have bad breath and wonky teeth but in the film they were perfect.  Then some stuff happens and the old bat is talking again.  Then I got confused because it ends with a load of people clapping when the tasty bint and the gay-looking bloke who died in the water kiss each other.  Why weren’t they clapping when he was drawing a picture of her when she had her tits out?  They missed a trick there.

Now then.  Fancy some Schweppes?

Saddam Hussein reviews He-man

I catched my son watching cartoon called He-man other day. I watch it and I get disgust, it just American propaganda lies to turn all my dear fellow Iraqis against me so they not vote for me at next fully democratic Democracy Vote Day for Democracy. Also, why called He-man? ‘He’ and ‘man’ mean same thing, stupid Americans always say same thing twice. Just like they vote in president call Bush twice, they be stupid and fat from eating mutton rolls all day in Starbuck.

In cartoon there stupid floating thing called Orko, he look like towel and have stupid voice. His name sound like Orka, famous fish in Disney Sea World Adventure Park. See, Americans say things twice again, as they stupid and fat. If I ever met Orko I would hang mutton rolls on him using bits of string. He better be careful because if mutton roll touch floor and get dirty, I have him torture to tell me where grassy knoll is. I have done much research on grassy knoll and it weapon of mass destruction that CIA and FBI use to kill President of Kennedy.

He-man say he most powerful man in universe, but that not true. I see The Rock in WCW wrestling and he do jumps from ropes that He-man not do. I practice jumps on my bed and get injury when I slip on mutton roll and bang my head on floor. George Bush fax me email saying he is most powerful man in world, but that not true either. I fax email back asking how Simba in Disney Lion King grew up so fast when he walk across log but Bush say he not seen film.

I see Simba appear in He-man but called Battle Cat. Americans doing things twice again, as they are so stupid and fat.