Michael Cargill

Regular updates of sarcastic and irreverent nonsense.

There aint nothing that can’t be fixed with a nice sausage

Although I was born in 1956, looking back I can see that msausagesy life before 1978 was empty for it was in that fateful year that I purchased a second-hand sausage-making machine. It’s a real beast of a device of proper vintage construction and it will take your hand clean off if you don’t treat it with respect… and I wouldn’t have it any other way. Late at night, when I’m finishing off the day’s batch of sausages, I swear that I can sometimes hear the ghost of Queen Victoria singing to me as I turn that ivory handle. I can just picture her queuing up at the Royal Palace canteen, plate delicately balanced in her hand, asking for a nice pair of spicy Cumberland bangers so that she can slip them between two slices of freshly baked bread.

At first I kept the machine in the garage at the behest of my good wife – she’s never liked the thing even from the get-go. “Too dangerous,” she tells me, “the sort of thing that Jack the Ripper would have used,” she reckons.

What utter rot. Of course she soon changed her tune when I served up a sausage trifle for dessert when we had all the family round for dinner; she was shedding tears of pure joy and happiness for a good half hour after everyone had gone home. She even went and stayed at her mum’s for two weeks such was her emotional state. When she came back I showed her that I had moved the machine onto my bedside cabinet – she was utterly speechless at the thought of me squelching and banging away until the early hours of the morning!

Begonias, aloe veras, medinilla, and tulips; all beautiful plants and all have worked their way through the cogs and pipes of this machine of mine. I likes to experiment with things and sometimes my experiments throw up a nice surprise every now and then – I put a cactus through it once and it turns out that them spikes don’t ‘sausage up’ very well at all: you end up with spikey bits poking through the skin and they ruin the wife’s non-stick frying pan as well.


29 responses to “There aint nothing that can’t be fixed with a nice sausage

  1. No Blog Intended 02/29/2012 at 3:06 PM

    I once had to clean a machine like this one…. EEEGH. But maybe that was just me.

  2. kickingsport 02/29/2012 at 3:34 PM

    Even as a heterosexual I can tell you that I completely agree with everything the author has written. Tasty work!

  3. A Gripping Life 02/29/2012 at 5:38 PM

    Sausage is one scary “meat.” The idea of a sausage dessert trifle makes me gag!

  4. jbmumofone 02/29/2012 at 7:11 PM

    I am generally in danger around implements such as this.

  5. Little Miss 02/29/2012 at 8:50 PM

    Brilliant, Gueed he didn’t make any linconshire sausage!

  6. mooselicker 02/29/2012 at 9:33 PM

    How many pictures of delicious sausage did you have to go to before finding the one that looked like fat animal genitals?

    The beauty of sausage is that it can come in so different shapes. There’s the cylinder and then there’s the flat hockey puck.

    Sausage made North Korea turn over their nuclear weapons today.

    • Michael Cargill 02/29/2012 at 10:47 PM

      Thousands and thousands of pictures.

      I bloody love sausages actually. I get them from my local butcher and they are great.

      Someone needs to knock up a Kim Il Jong sausage meme.

  7. Mammasaurus 02/29/2012 at 9:59 PM

    I personally find little helpless kittens make a superior sausage.

  8. Lily 02/29/2012 at 11:42 PM

    I feel bad for pigs. They’re the smartest of the barn yard animals, yet the taste the best. I try to stay away from bacon and sausage, but they’re just too good.
    Experimenting with cacti always seems entertaining.

  9. Catherine Burden 03/01/2012 at 1:15 AM

    I don’t mind the odd sausage, even tried kangaroo sausages once, but trifle, I don’t think so.

  10. tootsiewoo 03/01/2012 at 3:03 PM

    The cactus is a noble and royal plant and as a representative of P.A.W.M.A.C. (People Against the Wrongful Murder of Amiable Cacti) I am appalled. You will be hearing from us within the week.

  11. PCC Advantage 03/01/2012 at 8:32 PM

    What happens if you put ready-made sausages through it? Do they come out twice as delicious?

  12. Pete Howorth 03/02/2012 at 12:48 AM

    I’d certainly stick my sausage between Queen Victoria’s baps. I often dream about it.

  13. edrevets 03/02/2012 at 9:42 AM

    This is it. I knew something was missing in my life, but I didn’t know what, until I read this post. I must have sausage machine. Then I will be complete.

  14. noonebutabloghead 03/02/2012 at 11:26 PM

    I really want to try a cactus sausage now.
    You go on about the practicalities of cooking it, but what does it taste like? That’s what we all want to know!

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