- RT @davidwalliams: Matt & I in the first picture from our new comedy series ‘Little World’. https://t.co/gxPVfj2Y0n 1 week ago
Peeps who interviewed me
Trailer for Underneath
Trailer for Shades of Grey
Regular updates of sarcastic and irreverent nonsense.
Although I was born in 1956, looking back I can see that my life before 1978 was empty for it was in that fateful year that I purchased a second-hand sausage-making machine. It’s a real beast of a device of proper vintage construction and it will take your hand clean off if you don’t treat it with respect… and I wouldn’t have it any other way. Late at night, when I’m finishing off the day’s batch of sausages, I swear that I can sometimes hear the ghost of Queen Victoria singing to me as I turn that ivory handle. I can just picture her queuing up at the Royal Palace canteen, plate delicately balanced in her hand, asking for a nice pair of spicy Cumberland bangers so that she can slip them between two slices of freshly baked bread.
At first I kept the machine in the garage at the behest of my good wife – she’s never liked the thing even from the get-go. “Too dangerous,” she tells me, “the sort of thing that Jack the Ripper would have used,” she reckons.
What utter rot. Of course she soon changed her tune when I served up a sausage trifle for dessert when we had all the family round for dinner; she was shedding tears of pure joy and happiness for a good half hour after everyone had gone home. She even went and stayed at her mum’s for two weeks such was her emotional state. When she came back I showed her that I had moved the machine onto my bedside cabinet – she was utterly speechless at the thought of me squelching and banging away until the early hours of the morning!
Begonias, aloe veras, medinilla, and tulips; all beautiful plants and all have worked their way through the cogs and pipes of this machine of mine. I likes to experiment with things and sometimes my experiments throw up a nice surprise every now and then – I put a cactus through it once and it turns out that them spikes don’t ‘sausage up’ very well at all: you end up with spikey bits poking through the skin and they ruin the wife’s non-stick frying pan as well.