- RT @davidwalliams: Matt & I in the first picture from our new comedy series ‘Little World’. https://t.co/gxPVfj2Y0n 1 week ago
Peeps who interviewed me
Trailer for Underneath
Trailer for Shades of Grey
Regular updates of sarcastic and irreverent nonsense.
Oy, Dave here. I’m a copper, yeah, and if there is one thing I love about my job it’s that I can slap some handcuffs on someone and tell ‘em “You’re bloody nicked, mate.” It don’t matter who you are or what your job is, I can nick you and I would love every single bloody moment of it, no word of a lie. I might even give you a little dig or a slap if you start to get on my tits, so make sure you behave yourself once those beauties are on. Now, believe me when I say that I ain’t a woofter, but the moment my guv’nor at the station slams his fist on the desk and shouts “Lads, get out there and nick some bloody crims,” I want to give him a big kiss. If he told me to dig up my dear old grandad and nick the old fella for stealing a pork chop during the war, I would do it in a flash.
Of course, such dedication can get you into trouble sometimes. I was in the pub once, downing a few jars and having a dab from the old snuff box, when on the way home I saw a bicycle looking at me funny. And I mean proper funny, right. Anyway, one thing led to another and before long my feet were caught up in the chain, the spokes were all bent out of joint, and one of the wheels was rolling away after I got a bit frisky with the quick-release lever. I was in a right old pickle that night and I had to radio in for the sarge to come and help me out. He’s a good bloke that one and I sorted him out with some nice shoes for his wife as a way of saying ‘thanks for the help mate, now keep your damn mouth shut if you please’.
Sometimes when you arrest a stroppy crim, they get all argy bargy once the cuffs are on. Sometimes a few digs will shut them up but other times it makes ’em worse and they start shooting their mouths off. Some of the words they use are right rude, calling us pigs, filth, rozzers, Thatcher’s wankers, and more. I love all that ‘cos it means I have done my job and the crim is all upset. You’re damn right when you say I am a rozzer or one of the filth, I bloody love it mate. If you are a crim or if you piss me off, then beware of me. If you are the peaceful, law abiding sort then you are free to go on your merry way and do as you please. I might take a sneaky look at your bird’s arse if she is the tasty type, maybe even say good evening to the good lady, but that’s just too bad for you if you have a problem with that.
Now piss off out my way, I gots me some work to do.