Michael Cargill

Regular updates of sarcastic and irreverent nonsense.

Tag Archives: police

Not on a Sunday, boys

Greetings!  My name is Norman McNorman and, although I don’t consider myself to be a religious man, I find it hard to deny that there’s something very very special about the Sabbath. Whether I’m sitting indoors in a comfy chair with my favourite slippers or settling into an outside hammock with my favourite slippers, I’ll be completely at peace for the entire day. And if either of my young nephews start up with their shouty Facebook games, or ask if they can watch something on the Xbox, I’ll peer disapprovingly over the top of my spectacles as I tell them “Not on a Sunday, boys.”

Dear Norman.

During the January sales I purchased several DVD boxsets of my favourite TV shows and since then I’ve indulged in several marathon sessions of Police, Camera, Action! and Stop, Thief! Could you give me some advice on how to make my weekends more relaxing?

Good heavens, man, what vulgar and inappropriate language you’ve chosen to address me with! Firstly, you need to get out of this ‘marathon’ mindset: it’s simply not possible for one to relax whilst partaking in such an exhausting activity. I suggest you step into a pair of slippers and watch some kind of highlights package instead, preferably played back at half-speed so as to maintain an emotional uniformity that will be sustained throughout the entire day; anything else is likely to leave you drained and exhausted for the busy week ahead.

Dear Norman.

I’m thinking of buying a new pair of walking shoes as my current ones are worn out.  However, I’m not sure whether to go for the traditional fur-lined type or the more modern air bubble support ones.  What would you recommend to make my walks across the South Downs more relaxing?

Walking shoes?  The South Downs…?  You’re giving me a hernia!  My good man, I do believe that you’re talking about going on a hike, which is a word and an activity that really isn’t welcome here in my boudoir of relaxation.  However, if you really must insist on attempting such a thing on the Sabbath then my advice is simple: pop along to your nearest airport with a pair of slippers and ‘hike’ your way along the travelator at a steady pace.  Make good use of any advertisements depicting sunbathers relaxing on a beach as they will assist you into getting into the right mindset.  Just be sure that you don’t fall asleep or stumble into anyone else, as jet lagged returning holiday goers are the anathema of the Sabbath.

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Police respond to break-in; three startled chairs placed under arrest

I’m a copper and I bloody love nicking people

Oy, Dave here. I’m a copper, yeah, and if there is one thing I love about my job it’s that I can slap somepig-cop handcuffs on someone and tell ‘em “You’re bloody nicked, mate.” It don’t matter who you are or what your job is, I can nick you and I would love every single bloody moment of it, no word of a lie. I might even give you a little dig or a slap if you start to get on my tits, so make sure you behave yourself once those beauties are on. Now, believe me when I say that I ain’t a woofter, but the moment my guv’nor at the station slams his fist on the desk and shouts “Lads, get out there and nick some bloody crims,” I want to give him a big kiss. If he told me to dig up my dear old grandad and nick the old fella for stealing a pork chop during the war, I would do it in a flash.

Of course, such dedication can get you into trouble sometimes. I was in the pub once, downing a few jars and having a dab from the old snuff box, when on the way home I saw a bicycle looking at me funny. And I mean proper funny, right. Anyway, one thing led to another and before long my feet were caught up in the chain, the spokes were all bent out of joint, and one of the wheels was rolling away after I got a bit frisky with the quick-release lever. I was in a right old pickle that night and I had to radio in for the sarge to come and help me out. He’s a good bloke that one and I sorted him out with some nice shoes for his wife as a way of saying ‘thanks for the help mate, now keep your damn mouth shut if you please’.

Sometimes when you arrest a stroppy crim, they get all argy bargy once the cuffs are on. Sometimes a few digs will shut them up but other times it makes ’em worse and they start shooting their mouths off. Some of the words they use are right rude, calling us pigs, filth, rozzers, Thatcher’s wankers, and more. I love all that ‘cos it means I have done my job and the crim is all upset. You’re damn right when you say I am a rozzer or one of the filth, I bloody love it mate. If you are a crim or if you piss me off, then beware of me. If you are the peaceful, law abiding sort then you are free to go on your merry way and do as you please. I might take a sneaky look at your bird’s arse if she is the tasty type, maybe even say good evening to the good lady, but that’s just too bad for you if you have a problem with that.

Now piss off out my way, I gots me some work to do.

Stray tyre rolls down hill; causes chaos, but has time of his life

tyreGoing

A stray speeding tyre briefly caused chaos for the residents of a steep hill in Cambridge yesterday. The tyre, which “appeared out of nowhere,” said he had “the time of my life,” during his speedy, uncontrolled descent down Crown Hill. “I’m not as young as I used to be and I have to admit the acceleration caught me by surprise a little bit… but man, what a rush! On the way down I saw a kid on a skateboard and I was like ‘Hey there kid on a skateboard, high-five me!’ and you know what he did? He high-fived me without missing a beat.”

Local residents described the event as “A right mad carry on,” that was “totally out of character for the area.” Paula Able, who lives on Crown Hill, told us “I was mowing the lawn because it was a Tuesday. I always mow the lawn on Tuesdays and that tyre had no right to do what he did. I would’ve stayed in-doors if I’d known that was going to happen and I called the police immediately.”

Setback

The free-wheeling tyre’s epic journey came to an ignominious stop when he hit a tree at the bottom of the hill. “I was disappointed and a little bit pissed off at the time, but I don’t hold a grudge or anything; that tree has been there for years so I doubt there was any malice in it. I hit a stone on the way down and got some real air under my treads which was something I’ve never experienced before. Me, the tree, and the stone, we all had a right chuckle about it afterwards. The police were called but they were cool with it and said it was just one of those once-in-a-century type things.”

“I just wish someone had recorded it and put it up on YouTube. That would have been epic.”

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