Michael Cargill

Regular updates of sarcastic and irreverent nonsense.

England play Montenegro; David Beckham plays ref

d-beckEngland played Montenegro last night in a thrilling encounter of association football. Montenegro have been without their Serbian mascots since 1999 after a game of NATO top trumps went wrong. The designated referee phoned in sick so David Beckham took his place after explaining that he has been playing Football Manager games ever since he had a Commodore 64 as a kid. Kick off was then delayed by twenty minutes as Beckham was unable to find his favourite whistle, and then for a further ten minutes as he complimented the Montenegro captain for having “Really nice hair.” Wayne Rooney scratched his head in confusion and kicked the ball away in a huff when Joe Cole refused to breathe through his nose instead of his mouth, which allowed the Montenegroeneonons to get a real handle on the game for the first time.

At half time it transpired that a Montengroen farmer had kidnapped Victoria Beckham and put her in the middle of his field because he thought his scarecrow had escaped. It was only when he noticed that “The tits didn’t look as realistic as they did before” that he realised something was wrong. Translation was provided by Montestrego prime minister Wallky Akbar who was playing a trombone whilst there as head cheerleader. David was relieved to have his wife back as she was the only one who knew which flavour Petits Filous yoghurt he wasn’t allergic to.

A nasty deflection whilst Tim Cahill was throwing Hula Hoops into Joe Hart’s mouth meant that the England goalkeeper choked and gagged, allowing two goals to be scored against him. Another goal was scored but Beckham was too busy watching the adverts on the side of the pitch to notice what was happening.

Official England hairstylist Fabio Capello said after the game “Well er, I er, is good and er, heh-heh, he did well,” before giving John Terry a dead arm for being such an annoying twat.

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