Sebastian Coe reviews the Olympics

And so, the greatest show on earth, has finished.  It was tense, it was emotional, and it was damned expensive, but when my stylist finally held up the mirror, so I could see the back of my head… well, words fail me.  It was just beautiful, and I didn’t pay a penny towards it either, which was a nice bonus.  No point being a Lord, if you can’t dip into the nation’s coffers every now and then.  As my medal count proves, I was a pretty nifty athlete back in the day, and I didn’t give any quarter to anyone.  Now I’m the top dog, I get given quarter of a million just for scratching my arse.

So, London 2012, then.  It weren’t bad, to be honest.  First of all, twenty is my favourite number.  Secondly, going to other countries is annoying.  Half of them don’t speak English, and the other half are nearly always French.  I remember all the hullabaloo beforehand, where everyone was moaning about congestion on the roads, and delays on the Underground.  I wanted to witness this for myself, and I tell you, everything was fine from where I was, up in my helicopter.  Every time I looked down at the ants below me, wearing their Union Jack hats as they queued up for an ice cream, it gave me a warm glow of satisfaction, knowing that they were all thinking of me.

The women’s beach volleyball drew some impressive crowds, and even the most casual of observers will quickly see why: the sand.  All that crushed rock is just perfect for one’s walk-in aquatic aquarium, and my Finding Nemo clown fish will love it.  What with them only having five-second memories, they’ll never get bored of bobbing around, looking for discarded gold medals.

*Sigh*  Now that the party’s over, going back to work will be hell.  I got a text message from David Beckham, earlier.  He was all excited, saying he thought he saw his wife on the TV during the closing ceremony.

Ah well, I can’t wait for Rio 2016.

Roger Federer reviews a block of cheddar cheese

Hey-ho peeps! How you today? I was bit sad after lose tennis match against Scot-Brit Andy Murray during Olympics, but now I stop cry and feel better. I decide maybe tennis too much for me and change job to review things. Reviews is nice job, plus I get to try stuff for free! Everyone knows that frees are fun! I start off review something that is easy, which is cheese. Cheese is one of my favourite things, especially to eat. It has other uses as well, like playing peeka-bo with the holes or having fun with cheese grater in-between tennis match. I manage to get plenty of cheese-grating practice done during my time at Wimbledon, is why people say I such grate champion. I often sprinkle grated cheese on bathroom floor so I not slip when step out of shower.

Okay, so I have favourite knife ready to cut cheese. I take cheese out of wrapping and… what this? Why there no holes in cheese? Is this work of devil? Tennis racket have holes, cheese grater have holes, so why cheddar no have holes? Let me see what box say… it say is made in Scotland! Bastard Scot-Brit, he come and steal from me again! Why he take my cheesy holes, is no fair. I wonder why box feel bit heavy, it because there too much cheese. Too much cheese at once be dangerous; I remember my granddad say he had lots of nightmares when he has too much before bedtime. I hope I no have bad dream about ugly goblin who mess my hair up, like I did when I was child.

Right, I cut cheese now. Goshness, no-hole cheese is tough! I use two hands, but still I struggle to get a good slice off. I hope it not break my cheese grater, I am down to my last one and shops no open now. Usually I eat cheese in sandwich but I worried about this heavy cheese making me burst. I know, I will cook toast for too long and then scrape off the burnt bits to balance things out. Okay, wish me luck for tasting; I best close my eyes in case it try to jump up and blind me. Hmmm, actually this heavy cheese is quite tasty. Maybe not all Scot-Brits are bad after all.

No, wait. If there no holes in cheese, what I use to keep fingers warm when I go in bed? Why do Scot-Brits want make me cry all time?