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- RT @maffbrown: Steve McClaren delighted with the England goal there… #ENGvsSEN #ENGSEN https://t.co/qb3NLYgN1z 5 days ago
Regular updates of sarcastic and irreverent nonsense.
And so, the greatest show on earth, has finished. It was tense, it was emotional, and it was damned expensive, but when my stylist finally held up the mirror, so I could see the back of my head… well, words fail me. It was just beautiful, and I didn’t pay a penny towards it either, which was a nice bonus. No point being a Lord, if you can’t dip into the nation’s coffers every now and then. As my medal count proves, I was a pretty nifty athlete back in the day, and I didn’t give any quarter to anyone. Now I’m the top dog, I get given quarter of a million just for scratching my arse.
So, London 2012, then. It weren’t bad, to be honest. First of all, twenty is my favourite number. Secondly, going to other countries is annoying. Half of them don’t speak English, and the other half are nearly always French. I remember all the hullabaloo beforehand, where everyone was moaning about congestion on the roads, and delays on the Underground. I wanted to witness this for myself, and I tell you, everything was fine from where I was, up in my helicopter. Every time I looked down at the ants below me, wearing their Union Jack hats as they queued up for an ice cream, it gave me a warm glow of satisfaction, knowing that they were all thinking of me.
The women’s beach volleyball drew some impressive crowds, and even the most casual of observers will quickly see why: the sand. All that crushed rock is just perfect for one’s walk-in aquatic aquarium, and my Finding Nemo clown fish will love it. What with them only having five-second memories, they’ll never get bored of bobbing around, looking for discarded gold medals.
*Sigh* Now that the party’s over, going back to work will be hell. I got a text message from David Beckham, earlier. He was all excited, saying he thought he saw his wife on the TV during the closing ceremony.
Ah well, I can’t wait for Rio 2016.
Hi there, gang! I tell you I’m so glad that this sports malarkey finally got going as it gives me a chance to stretch my legs. For the past seven years I’ve had all manner of smelly builders climbing all over me sticking their bits in my nooks and crannies. Some of them don’t even wash their hands after going to the loo and the amount of hairy arse-cleavage on show was enough to make me heave.
Pisces, Taurus, Gemini
Oh dear, I’m all nervous now. Stop looking at me like that, you’re making me go all shy. Okay, that Bulgarian female weightlifter has put her clothes back on now – all that hair and testosterone was making me feel ill. Do any of you have tickets? If not, just say yo’’re with the Jamaican bob-sleigh team. There was a documentary about them once they had a riot of a time. I wonder if that mad one has still got his lucky egg? It’s probably best to avoid the Germans though, they’re a bunch of dicks.
Cancer, Leo, Scorpio
Erg, have you been looking around in those awful charity shops again? That dress is hideous. Look, I know it’s been nicknamed the ‘austerity games’, but really. And why is your husband wearing faded green socks with those awful sandals…? Is he trying to look like a German paedophile tourist on purpose? Shoo, shoo, away with you! Tout your tickets for three times their face value and never return here again, not even when I’m nothing more than a forgotten, rotting husk once the Games have finished. Olympic legacy? Olympic leprosy more like.
Capricorn, Aquarius, Libra
Ah, little Sammy! I remember you writing me that letter last year asking if you could bake me a cake. I had a bit of trouble reading your childish scribbles but I got there in the end. So, did you remember the cake? Oh, it’s a mud pie? Well, I guess you have to make do with what you have and your mummy won’t let you use the oven yet. Okay, see that security guard over there? Throw the cake at him! He is always whipping his willy out and going for a piss up against my walls because he can’t be bothered to walk to the gents toilet. Kraut bastard, I bet he has a really fat wife.
Virgo, Sagittarius, Aries
A quick tip for you guys: bring a cardigan as the weather hasn’t been as warm as it should be. Might want to bring some wellies and a brolly as well just in case it rains. Bear in mind that it’s summer, so shorts are ideal if it gets hot. The food is shockingly expensive inside so hide some biscuits in your socks. Oh and the security is a complete shambles so if you’ve got your own explosives sniffer dog, bring him along just in case. And a gun if you have one.