Michael Cargill

Regular updates of sarcastic and irreverent nonsense.

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Roger Federer reviews a block of cheddar cheese

Hey-ho peeps! How you today? I was bit sad after lose tennis matchRoger-Federer against Scot-Brit Andy Murray during Olympics, but now I stop cry and feel better. I decide maybe tennis too much for me and change job to review things. Reviews is nice job, plus I get to try stuff for free! Everyone knows that frees are fun! I start off review something that is easy, which is cheese. Cheese is one of my favourite things, especially to eat. It has other uses as well, like playing peeka-bo with the holes or having fun with cheese grater in-between tennis match. I manage to get plenty of cheese-grating practice done during my time at Wimbledon, is why people say I such grate champion. I often sprinkle grated cheese on bathroom floor so I not slip when step out of shower.

Okay, so I have favourite knife ready to cut cheese. I take cheese out of wrapping and… what this? Why there no holes in cheese? Is this work of devil? Tennis racket have holes, cheese grater have holes, so why cheddar no have holes? Let me see what box say… it say is made in Scotland! Bastard Scot-Brit, he come and steal from me again! Why he take my cheesy holes, is no fair. I wonder why box feel bit heavy, it because there too much cheese. Too much cheese at once be dangerous; I remember my granddad say he had lots of nightmares when he has too much before bedtime. I hope I no have bad dream about ugly goblin who mess my hair up, like I did when I was child.

Right, I cut cheese now. Goshness, no-hole cheese is tough! I use two hands, but still I struggle to get a good slice off. I hope it not break my cheese grater, I am down to my last one and shops no open now. Usually I eat cheese in sandwich but I worried about this heavy cheese making me burst. I know, I will cook toast for too long and then scrape off the burnt bits to balance things out. Okay, wish me luck for tasting; I best close my eyes in case it try to jump up and blind me. Hmmm, actually this heavy cheese is quite tasty. Maybe not all Scot-Brits are bad after all.

No, wait. If there no holes in cheese, what I use to keep fingers warm when I go in bed? Why do Scot-Brits want make me cry all time?

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