Join 1,256 other followers
- RT @TheTopoftheD: As the Women’s World Cup starts this week, I’ve written this for @TheHockeyPaper. I suspect it might not be as popular… 1 month ago
Regular updates of sarcastic and irreverent nonsense.
A vintage set of Salter-branded bathroom weighing scales has told of its “Utter despair,” at being “Treated like a piece of dirt,” despite “twenty years of faithful service to the Jenkins household.” The scales, which were bought from a shop in East Brighton during a closing down sale, freely admits that “My glossy silver finish isn’t as refined as it once was,” but that his “Years of experience means I can still mix it up with the best of them.”
The scales recounted the day he was “First picked up by Miss Jenkins in the shop,” and explained “I broke out in goose pimples as she looked me all over and then smiled in satisfaction. She was so confident and happy in those days before she married that jerk from across town.”
Reminiscing about old times he said “At first I had my own place right under the sink,” and that “I was always polite enough to avert my gaze when she stepped out of the bath and put a towel on. It was never cold because she liked to keep the heating on and she always sprayed air freshener right after doing a doo-doo.” Things took a turn for the worse once they moved house and he was “Thrown into a drafty cupboard like a piece of rubbish.”
“These days the kids just stamp on me, swear in front of their mother, and no-one ever bothers to clean me or thank me for doing such a good job all these years. I’ve watched the boy grow up yet he humiliated me that time he threw me down the stairs when he was eight years old. He has always had a temper in him and he had just been grounded after getting caught playing with matches again.”