Michael Cargill

Regular updates of sarcastic and irreverent nonsense.

Nurse Ratched helps out

It’s me again, y’all. nurse ratchedHope you are keeping well and that you remember my name properly – Ratched. Not Ratchy, not Ratty, and certainly not Ratatouille. If I catch anyone using a nickname for me I will burn your house down and upload it to YouTube so your relatives can watch it.

Dear Nurse Ratched

The boy next door keeps on jumping over the garden fence and stealing the apples from my apple tree. His parents won’t stop him from doing it. What should I do?

You need to get tough and put some spikes on the fence so that he cuts his balls and rips himself a nice new arsehole next time he climbs over. You also have the option of injecting cyanide into the apples or maybe even somehow inserting ground glass into them. Don’t ask me how to make ground glass as I’m just a nurse and moral arbiter. If that doesn’t work you should kill yourself.

Dear Nurse Ratched

The person next to me at work keeps borrowing my stapler without asking. I have advised him that he should submit a stationery request form for his own stapler but he doesn’t listen. What should I do?

I recommend taking a car battery into work and using some electrodes to hook it up to the stapler so he gets an electric shock. You could also try modifying a cigarette lighter and putting it inside the stapler so that it sets fire to his hand and scars him for life. If you put super glue on it he won’t be able to let go and may even burn to death as a bonus. If that doesn’t work you should kill yourself.

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12 responses to “Nurse Ratched helps out

  1. mooselicker 10/19/2011 at 10:07 PM

    For some reason I find you, Nurse Ratched, very sexy. I always have and I’m not generally a sub. I’d love for you to spank me during a lobotomy.

    • Michael Cargill 10/20/2011 at 8:09 AM

      Hi Moose.

      I hate most animals and the thought of licking one makes me feel sick. If I had my way they would all be slaughtered and eaten. Apart from squirrels of course, I like squirrels. Sex is also a sin so put your pecker away.

      Thanks

      Nurse Ratched.

      • mooselicker 10/20/2011 at 7:22 PM

        Not if we get married! C’mon, it’ll make McMurphy furious to see you happy.

        • Michael Cargill 10/20/2011 at 8:31 PM

          Hi Moose.

          That’s a good point but it is one I have already considered. Many years ago I installed a device in my home that automatically fires a laser if it detects any male erections. I have a similar device in my handbag and I take my handbag everywhere with me.

          Thanks

          Nurse Ratched.

  2. Maggie 10/20/2011 at 5:42 AM

    LOL I read that twice and still don’t know what’s going on, but it made me lol big time.

  3. Random Female Blog 10/20/2011 at 8:29 PM

    We saw this in school, so if you have any questions about nurse Ratched, I’ve had to analyse her from head to toe. Of course, I most defenitely don’t want to ruin this amazing post!

    • Michael Cargill 10/20/2011 at 8:34 PM

      Hi Random

      I consider any such analysis of me to be worse than thinking up a nickname for me. At this very moment I am booking a flight so that I can come over and burn your house down. Where do you keep your webcam?

      Thanks

      Nurse Ratched.

  4. Lily 10/27/2011 at 6:08 PM

    Ohh I love nurse Ratched. Lobotomies all around!

    • Michael Cargill 10/27/2011 at 6:40 PM

      Hi Lily

      I can appreciate that new people are always keen when they first start working in the hospital, but I find overt displays of affection and recognition to be vulgar. It upset the patients and makes the male orderlies frisky.

      Thanks

      Nurse Ratched.

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