Question time with Tory top bod David Cameron

What ho, chums!  I don’t know about anyone else, but I found election night to be a real smasher of an occasion.  For weeks I’ve had pasty-faced yobbos and foreign-looking bounders chasing me all over the place, asking question after question, and for the life of me I can’t understand why these people think I’m interested in their appalling and depraved ways.  Anyway, now that I’ve beaten them all off I can move onto sorting this country out once and for all.  I’ve got just enough time to reply to one or two letters, before I dash off to shut down an orphanage that hasn’t paid this month’s electricity bill.

Dear Mr Cameron

I’ve been reading in the news that more and more people are having to resort to using food banks in order to feed their families.  How are you planning on dealing with this?

An excellent question and one that I’ll answer directly.  I completely agree that there’s far too many people relying on food banks these days, and we’re currently drafting up legislation to force these so-called ‘people of poverty’ to dig up the dead before being allowed access to one.  No doubt some of them will complain about the high cost of pick axes and spades, but quite frankly anyone who isn’t willing to get down on their hands and knees to feed themselves is a lazy fiend.

Landowners, fret ye not, for we haven’t forgotten about you noble people – if any of these digging bounders are caught trespassing in your privatised graveyards, the legal aid cutbacks will mean no solicitor in the land will bother representing them in court.  Both your topsoil and your rights are safe with me at the helm.

Dear Mr Cameron

Nick Clegg is an honourable man whom I feel sorry for.  Do you happen to have an address that I can send a well-wishing card to?

Sorry, who?  Is he a greengrocer?  I’m afraid I don’t really get involved with such awful occupations.