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Regular updates of sarcastic and irreverent nonsense.
What ho, chums! I don’t know about anyone else, but I found election night to be a real smasher of an occasion. For weeks I’ve had pasty-faced yobbos and foreign-looking bounders chasing me all over the place, asking question after question, and for the life of me I can’t understand why these people think I’m interested in their appalling and depraved ways. Anyway, now that I’ve beaten them all off I can move onto sorting this country out once and for all. I’ve got just enough time to reply to one or two letters, before I dash off to shut down an orphanage that hasn’t paid this month’s electricity bill.
Dear Mr Cameron
I’ve been reading in the news that more and more people are having to resort to using food banks in order to feed their families. How are you planning on dealing with this?
An excellent question and one that I’ll answer directly. I completely agree that there’s far too many people relying on food banks these days, and we’re currently drafting up legislation to force these so-called ‘people of poverty’ to dig up the dead before being allowed access to one. No doubt some of them will complain about the high cost of pick axes and spades, but quite frankly anyone who isn’t willing to get down on their hands and knees to feed themselves is a lazy fiend.
Landowners, fret ye not, for we haven’t forgotten about you noble people – if any of these digging bounders are caught trespassing in your privatised graveyards, the legal aid cutbacks will mean no solicitor in the land will bother representing them in court. Both your topsoil and your rights are safe with me at the helm.
Dear Mr Cameron
Nick Clegg is an honourable man whom I feel sorry for. Do you happen to have an address that I can send a well-wishing card to?
Sorry, who? Is he a greengrocer? I’m afraid I don’t really get involved with such awful occupations.
Blonde bimbo Boris Johnson, elected Mayor of London, has stated his intentions to organise a night of “Fun and Scaletrix,” that “everyone, even the boring ones,” in the House of Commons is invited to. Johnson has often talked about how stale the atmosphere is in Parliament and that he wants to “Blow some air up the ladies’ skirts.” He said that Ed Miliband, leader of the Labour Party, “Looks like a dork,” but added he is welcome to “borrow some of my aftershave if he wants.”
Recognising that it is a time of austerity, Johnson has called upon MPs to contribute towards the cost of the evening. “I’m bringing my own BBQ that I got from Wilkinsons last year,” and pointed out that “Asda are doing a BOGOF on Heinz baked beans at the moment,” and that he would be “Happy to twos-up with anyone who is short of cash.”
Johnson has also thrown down the gauntlet to Prime Minister David Cameron and challenged him to a “Deathmatch game of Halo on the Xbox,” as he has been “practising online for months.” He described Deputy Prime Minister Nick Clegg as “Actually quite a laugh after a couple of beers,” and that his wife is “A lot of fun once she comes out of her shell.”
Entertainment suggestions included filling the old moat with water for skinny dipping, but Johnson wanted to make it clear that “Harriet Harman isn’t invited to that and neither is Anne Widdicombe.” Johnson was keen to book some celebrities and he is currently in talks with “Frank Bruno and also the short one from the The Krankies.”
“I might even do some wheelies on my bike if the night goes well.”