David Cameron reviews a slice of ham

Hello there fellow compatriots, D-Cam here! Or ‘Wazzock Chops’ as they used to call me back in my days at Eton Posh Boarding School for Posh Boys. So then, ham… I’ve never actually seen a slice of ham before so this is all very exciting and new for me. However, I do know that the common British peasant loves the stuff and I’m beginning to see why – just the sound of it is an inspiring bit of joyousness: ham, spam, spim, spom, bam. See? It just rolls off the tongue! It’s a perfect word and I can imagine someone using it to name their dog or even their favourite handkerchief. It even works as an insult. “No Smythe, you can’t go on the top bunk again! Sometimes you’re a real ham!”

Okay, let’s open the packet up. I’ll use a pair of tweezers just in case there’s a tropical spider trapped inside. Easy does it and… by golly! There’s SIX GOSHING SLICES OF THE STUFF! How did that happen? Has it mutated en route? Has it managed to breed with itself? It must be French as they’re bloody mad about having sex with themselves over there. I remember back in Eton there was a French chap who did it all the time and he had a torrid time at the hands of the prefects I tell you. They were always waking him up in the middle of the night to strip off his clothes and force him to do press ups in the middle of the courtyard. Still, it was all part of the character building. I thought it was a bit harsh when they threw his clothes into the river, but the one time I stuck up for him they threatened to revoke my midnight feast privileges; after earning the right to stockpile the red Fruit Pastilles there was no way was I going to let some Froggy rotter get in the way of that.

Right, the ham. Well, it’s kind of floppy and doesn’t seem to be doing anything at the moment. Most things that run on electricity come with a pre-fitted plug but I can’t find a lead of any kind in the packet. Hmm, it sits kind of nicely on my head actually. It’s nice and cool which would be good for a hot summers day. Ah, of course! That’s why there’s so many in each pack! You put one on your head and then another in your glass of Pimms to keep it cool as you lounge around on the sun deck.

Well, it’s top marks for ham from me. Join me next week as I uncover the exotic secrets of paperclips.