Michael Cargill

Regular updates of sarcastic and irreverent nonsense.

David Cameron reviews a slice of ham

Hello there fellow compatriDavid Cameronots, D-Cam here! Or ‘Wazzock Chops’ as they used to call me back in my days at Eton Posh Boarding School for Posh Boys. So then, ham… I’ve never actually seen a slice of ham before so this is all very exciting and new for me. However, I do know that the common British peasant loves the stuff and I’m beginning to see why – just the sound of it is an inspiring bit of joyousness: ham, spam, spim, spom, bam. See? It just rolls off the tongue! It’s a perfect word and I can imagine someone using it to name their dog or even their favourite handkerchief. It even works as an insult. “No Smythe, you can’t go on the top bunk again! Sometimes you’re a real ham!”

Okay, let’s open the packet up. I’ll use a pair of tweezers just in case there’s a tropical spider trapped inside. Easy does it and… by golly! There’s SIX GOSHING SLICES OF THE STUFF! How did that happen? Has it mutated en route? Has it managed to breed with itself? It must be French as they’re bloody mad about having sex with themselves over there. I remember back in Eton there was a French chap who did it all the time and he had a torrid time at the hands of the prefects I tell you. They were always waking him up in the middle of the night to strip off his clothes and force him to do press ups in the middle of the courtyard. Still, it was all part of the character building. I thought it was a bit harsh when they threw his clothes into the river, but the one time I stuck up for him they threatened to revoke my midnight feast privileges; after earning the right to stockpile the red Fruit Pastilles there was no way was I going to let some Froggy rotter get in the way of that.

Right, the ham. Well, it’s kind of floppy and doesn’t seem to be doing anything at the moment. Most things that run on electricity come with a pre-fitted plug but I can’t find a lead of any kind in the packet. Hmm, it sits kind of nicely on my head actually. It’s nice and cool which would be good for a hot summers day. Ah, of course! That’s why there’s so many in each pack! You put one on your head and then another in your glass of Pimms to keep it cool as you lounge around on the sun deck.

Well, it’s top marks for ham from me. Join me next week as I uncover the exotic secrets of paperclips.

21 responses to “David Cameron reviews a slice of ham

  1. No Blog Intended 07/23/2012 at 10:04 AM

    “Ham, spam, spim, spom, bam” will stay in my head all day.

  2. breezyk 07/23/2012 at 12:52 PM

    Man it is so hot here in Toronto today I could totally use a slice of ham to put on top of my head.
    Why does that sound so wrong…

  3. Anna 07/23/2012 at 12:53 PM

    Oh good God, I just ate a ham sandwich. If Cameron is pro-ham, I am anti-ham… looks like it’s time for some regurgitation into the office bin.

  4. Julie Rainey 07/23/2012 at 1:57 PM

    Six slices? Wow, I usually only get four. hehehe 🙂

  5. Ada-Lee 07/23/2012 at 2:56 PM

    Save me the spiders, that’s me favorite part.

  6. The Creative Outpost 07/23/2012 at 3:10 PM

    You have to watch out for the mutating ham!

  7. beckyday6 07/23/2012 at 7:20 PM

    Hahahaa haaa!

    The really sad thing is I can imagine him really doing this….

    I do love my Pimms, I’ll have to remember that ham tip.

  8. A gripping life 07/23/2012 at 9:16 PM

    So, I take it you’re not a fan of David Cameron? Or just not a fan of his ham handling?

    • Michael Cargill 07/23/2012 at 9:22 PM

      Ha ha, I don’t think even the hardcore Tory boys are a fan of Cameron these days!

      I saw you managed to ‘like’ my premature posting of this one last night…

      I was franticly scrabbling around, looking for the delete button!

  9. noonebutabloghead 07/30/2012 at 8:20 PM

    Good old Wazzock Chops! I can imagine that being his actual nickname.

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