Michael Cargill

Regular updates of sarcastic and irreverent nonsense.

Now that the royal baby is here, who gets first dibs on the placenta?

prince-william-150Hello, finest people of the British Empire, ‘tis Prince William here!

No doubt you’re all aware of the hullaballoo surrounding the expulsion of the Royal Foetus from within one’s wife’s womb. After all, pappa tells me that it’s been all over the BBC channels and it seems that even those ghastly perverts over on that Channel 4 thing are talking about it as well! Spiffo, I say! The Royal Bedding that took place nine months ago was a jolly frantic couple of minutes, and I’m awfully pleased that the entire country is as excited about it as I am – I simply cannot wait for the next one!

In the aftermath of all this frivolity, a frantic debate has arisen about who’s going to have the placenta. Now, although I have no doubt that it would make a splendid souvenir to remember the occasion by, I’ve decided not to place my hat into the ring – after all, I’ll be allowed to hold the baby on birthdays and during outings to Windsor Legoland, so there’s no point in being greedy whilst there’s still plenty to go round.

After a fair amount of consultation with the family, it’s been agreed that Grandmama’s little corgi dogs are the frontrunners in this race for ownership of the afterbirth. And why not? They put in a jolly good performance during their time in the maternity ward; whilst the doctors and nurses were running around like headless chickens, the good little doggies were as calm as a button as they played dead and rolled over on my command. You should have seen the look on Kate’s face when they started lapping up the mess she had left on the bed! Priceless!

I’m going to leave the decision for naming the baby down to Harry. He’s a real wag when it comes to things like that, and I’m keeping my fingers crossed for Gertrude or Biff.

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15 responses to “Now that the royal baby is here, who gets first dibs on the placenta?

  1. J.R.Barker 07/24/2013 at 10:25 AM

    I’m gonna be a real girly girl just for a minute and say “Eeeewww!”

  2. cynthiagrstacey 07/24/2013 at 5:59 PM

    That is too funny and I go with J.R. Barker and second the Eeeewww!!! with a Canadian ‘Gross eh?’ thrown in.

  3. ocdreader 07/24/2013 at 6:47 PM

    That was totally nasty! No way would I want the baby named Gertrude…Biff is ok though. But I am sure Harry will come up with some awesome name you haven’t thought of yet 🙂

  4. No Blog Intended 07/24/2013 at 8:19 PM

    Your descriptions can be so… vivid, somehow.
    They should call their baby Michael.

    • Michael Cargill 07/24/2013 at 8:37 PM

      I quite agree!

      By the way, I had some feedback from one of my proofreaders for the story set in the Warsaw Ghetto – she loved it, and not just in the usual way someone loves a book… she was blown away by it.

      Which is nice.

      • No Blog Intended 07/24/2013 at 9:24 PM

        Wow, if that ain’t a compliment…!
        I was reading your book a few days ago, and some sentences were so great I actually wanted to underline them. Unfortunately I had no pencil with me.
        I remembered your stories as good, but now it’s only being confirmated that they are really good.

        Bright future for you as a writer, no?

        • Michael Cargill 07/24/2013 at 9:34 PM

          Well, here’s hoping! Making a living from writing whatever is bouncing around in my head would be great – no more early morning starts to go to the office…

          Those three stories in Shades of Grey have been updated quite a bit since you first read all those months ago.

  5. Eyehavenofilter 07/24/2013 at 8:24 PM

    Best of luck!

  6. A Voracious Reader 07/28/2013 at 4:37 AM

    Just from the title I was afraid to click the link. Why? Because of the picture that always accompanies your blog posts, that’s why! *wipes hand across forehead in relief* Whew! I might still have nightmares, but at least they won’t be about a giant man-eating placenta. Balding horses, maybe, but no placenta.

    And my oldest son is named George. The 8th of his name. I win! I should have saved his placenta. Dammit!

    • Michael Cargill 07/29/2013 at 10:39 AM

      George is an epic name to be honest – your son is destined for great things.

      I like to think that posting the occasional unsettling image gives the site an extra bit of adrenaline…

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