Michael Cargill

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Queen Elizabeth turns down offer of yacht; would prefer vouchers instead

GroundedMichael Gove

Michael Gove, the British Secretary of State for Education, has had his offer of a yacht to the Queen embarrassingly thrown back in his face when she remarked “After bearing witness to the disaster in Italy, one has decided to holiday closer to home for the Diamond Jubilee.” A Buckingham Palace spokesman has also confirmed that the Queen is “Not at all interested in entertaining Mr Gove’s offer to act out his favourite scenes from the film Titanic.”

This is yet another blow to Michael Gove’s ambitions to be taken seriously after last week’s disastrous visit to a school where he mistook a lunch tray for an iPad. Sources say he picked the tray up and marvelled at the fact that “these things are so lightweight and portable these days.” Canteen staff looked on in amazement as he went on to ask “So how would I go about ordering a marmalade sandwich then?”

Confused

The list of gaffes committed by British governments towards the Royal Family has been growing ever since the 1983 incident when Margaret Thatcher told Princess Diana that “No, your bloody kids can’t have any free milk.” In 2005 Tony Blair famously asked Fergie “So, er, where do you get your wigs from? I’m going a bit thin on top these days so need some advice.”

Prince Philip has responded in typical fashion to the yacht offer by stating “Boats are a bloody load of shit,” and that a better gift would be “Some twat from the army to fly us around in a helicopter.”

“Gove looks like Spongebob Squarepants and always has an expression that suggests he is waiting for someone to feed him a dog turd.”

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