Regular updates of sarcastic and irreverent nonsense.
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Hey guys, it’s the Hulkster here!
Anyone else a fan of camping? I tells you, I love the entire experience – from the moment I lace up my thick leather walking boots, I look forward to that moment at the end of the day when I get to suffocate a small animal with my bare hands so it can be cooked on an open fire.
I remember I once forgot to pack my mallet, meaning I had nothing to bang the tent pegs in with. Luckily, I discovered that I could headbutt the cheeky little varmints into the ground and I’ve never bothered packing a mallet since then!
Now, after a hard day’s hiking around under the hot summer sun, there’s no better fruit to refresh yourself with than a satsuma. Not a lot of people agree, but as far as I’m concerned the satsuma is the best of all the citrus fruits that humanity has so far discovered, yet it’s the orange that tends to get all the praise and popularity these days. If you ask me, the orange is nothing more than a bully and can be a real mean son of a bitch to get into. I can make mincemeat out of a can of Dr Pepper, but for the life of me I can’t get into an orange without all the pips getting stuck in my ‘tache.
Limes ain’t too bad but they’re green and remind me of Brussels sprouts, which give me real bad indigestion and I don’t like having bad guts when I’m out in the middle of nowhere.
And lemons? Lemons are right sneaky assholes, constantly waiting for the right moment to squirt a bit of juice in your eye when you’re least expecting it. Hell, I remember the last time it happened to me I nearly passed out – getting a dollop of the bitter stuff down your Japseye ain’t no fun and I’ve been wary of handling lemons at bedtime ever since.
A sattsy, though? Thems are lovely things and they’re great for sharing around with your buddies. Whilst everyone else is guzzling down a Budweiser or two, me and the family are in the corner enjoying a delightful array of satsuma segments. Even the pets like a quick nibble on them, though you gotta be careful; I once petted next door’s dog a bit too hard and accidentally caved the poor little mite’s skull in.
Sometimes, I just don’t know my own strength.
Steve Austin here and I want to tell you about a man who recently entered my life and changed things forever. Life is pretty darned cold in my ice palace these days and I was sat down at breakfast eating a bowl of Coco Pops ice cream, when there was a knock at my door. I got up to answer it – I was wearing shorts and I lost a few layers of skin because my legs were stuck frozen to the chair – and this guy in a suit was standing there on my doorstep, looking at me with real intensity. His name badge stated that he was Jeff from a company called ‘Radiators and Warmth 2 Go’ and I will never forgot the moment he opened his mouth to say, “Hi, my name is Jeff and I work for a company called Radiators and Warmth 2 Go.”
I usually have to put down a rubber mat for visitors so that they don’t slip around on the icy floor but not for this guy. He had done his research and had brought his own pair of spiked shoes, something that impressed me a great deal because it showed he cared about the customer; I like that a lot. He then showed me a little slideshow presentation of what his company does, how long they have been in business, and a lot more besides. There was even a cartoon mascot and when it got to the last few slides where the cute little mite was pulling faces and doing goofy poses, I was literally rolling around on the floor laughing. Once that was all done he got right down to business and out came the laminated brochure and samples of the products.
It took me a good three hours or so to make my final choice as he had so many samples for me to play around with. He had cross-sections of the radiators, pieces of the supply pipes, and the wildest selection of taps I have ever seen! I had great fun poking my finger all around the insides of the radiators, playing peek-a-boo with the pipes, and using the taps as juggling balls. Me and Jeff had a complete whale of a time and I have been as snug as a bug in a rug ever since it was all installed.
Hey, that last bit rhymes – maybe it’s time to change my name.