Michael Cargill

Regular updates of sarcastic and irreverent nonsense.

Tag Archives: tooth fairy

North Pole elves claim that Santa is ‘worse than Hitler’

SantaConditions

Documents released by Wikileaks have revealed that all is not well up at the North Pole with Santa Claus being described as “A slave driver,” and a “Real arrogant son of a bitch,” by his employees. Although commonly regarded as the world’s greatest philanthropist, Santa Claus is “Typical of someone who managed to come up with only one good idea in their entire life,” and has been “Milking it for all it’s worth, ever since.”

Head elf Erika Layla said “Every year it’s the same with all of us working long shifts in the run up to Christmas. His popularity has really gone to his head and he’s been unbearable ever since people started leaving mince pies and wine out for him.” Depression and loneliness are rife in the Grotto, with “Everyone’s ears drooping by the end of the day,” and some of the workers even go so far as to “Wish we had all been born as dwarves instead.”

Perspective

Santa’s wife hit back at the accusations, stating that “his main priority is making sure the kids have a great Christmas,” and that “despite spending the entire night emptying his sacks all over the world, he still comes back home for a nice snuggle. As far as I’m concerned he can do what he wants.” She conceded that “Maybe he is a bit too fond of riding the reindeer late at night,” but then again “every man has his Achilles heel; his is just higher up. It don’t half make a bloody mess of his trousers though.”

Equally scandalous charges were made against the tooth fairy recently after it was revealed that improved dental hygiene has meant that demand for her services has waned in recent years. She was accused of trying to drum up extra business by “Crapping in people’s mouths as they slept,” so that they had “Really shitty breath in the morning.”

“There is no tooth to these allegations,” she claimed. “Someone is making a mountain out of a molar hill.”

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