Michael Cargill

Regular updates of sarcastic and irreverent nonsense.

Tag Archives: taurus

Beauty Baggins’ horoscopes

I got a new flavour of porridge the other day. It hahoroscopesd a nice box and so I thought “Why not?” and bought it instead of getting me usual brand. I mixed it up and noticed that the texture was smoother than the old one and I couldn’t wait to try it out. After bunging it in the microwave for 3 minutes it came out looking bloody marvellous and I decided to put some on my face to see if it was good for me skin. Anyway, I forgot all about it and three hours later it was stuck fast like lumpy superglue. I had to sit in the bath for 3 hours to soak it off… a bath of petrol that is.

Pisces, Taurus, Gemini

Do you like salami? No? Pepperami? Still no? Well what about ham? No again…? Are you a vegetarian? Oh, for goodness sake! Well, just have some beans then but everyone else should pop down to their local supermarket and stock up – Dr Doolittle has been taken sick so there might be a shortage of meat for a while and you don’t want to be serving cheese on toast at that dinner party you’re hosting next week.

Cancer, Leo, Scorpio

If you haven’t got around to washing your windows recently I suggest that you do so. It’s a boring and tedious job but you’ll reap the benefits soon enough. Imagine that you fell and hit your head whilst watching TV or making yourself a sandwich in the kitchen – when the neighbours start peeking in through your windows you don’t want their view blocked with all that grime that has been building up.

Capricorn, Aquarius, Libra

Do you drink your tea in a mug or in a dainty little cup? I bet you cup-users even have a little saucer as well and sip at it as if you’re a special little princess. Man, you lot piss me off you do – just use a mug like the rest of us. Throw those cups and saucers away and you now have loads of extra cupboard space. See? No doubt you will soon fall back into your hoarding ways and fill the shelves with Weetabix or something equally pointless.

Virgo, Sagittarius, Aries

I watched a Batman film the other day. It was great stuff, all dark and moody and everything. There was this one bit, where he did a double-backflip somersault off a table and swung off the lightshade thing on the ceiling. Contrary to how easy it looks in the film, it’s actually bloody hard to do yourself – I’ve had this crick in my neck ever since and it makes looking up at the menu in McDonalds really tricky.

Beauty Baggins is here with cheer

Yeah, it’s getting cold now and that’s annoying onhoroscopes my face when I have just had a shave. I had a great idea of smearing my face with Vaseline to cancel out the wind chill, but the lifeguards threw me out when I went to the swimming pool in the afternoon. It’s one rule for those with beards and another rule for the rest of us.

Pisces, Taurus, Gemini

“A finger of Fudge is just enough to give your kids a treat,” so went the advert for Fudge chocolate bars. If your family are having a 19th century themed Christmas then you should heed this advice otherwise steer well clear of such miserly nonsense… unless you enjoy bullying your kids of course.

Cancer, Leo, Scorpio

“Sticks and stones may break my bones, but words will never hurt me.” Yeah, right. Tell that to the kids in the orphanage who took my joke letter from Santa too seriously. Tempting as it is, I advise against telling dozens of kids that Santa hates them and that he won’t be doing any more house visits.

Capricorn, Aquarius, Libra

“The world was made in seven days,” so said my Sunday school teacher. I then asked why it takes Santa a bloody year to deliver a wonky Bugs Bunny toy to me and the miserable sod told me never to come back. Parents should be wary of mixing religion and children for the next few weeks.

Virgo, Sagittarius, Aries

“Fee-fi-fo-fum,” said the Giant to Jack as he glanced up at the beanstalk. Tip for parents: if your kid is playing one of the three wise men in a nativity play, make sure he knows his lines and doesn’t decide to ad-lib something extra in. He will be a social outcast for months otherwise.

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