Bits of Cargill – all my hilarity, in one book!

Yeeees!  I’ve finally done it, what everyone has been wanting me to do for so long now!  A vasectomy!  Er, I mean, erm, I finally published all my funniest articles as a book.

Here, check out the blurby bit:

Michael Cargill has established himself as the world’s leading authority on all things sarcastic, irreverent, and nonsensical. He first appeared in 2012 with a satirical news item about a stray car tyre causing chaos on the streets of Cambridge and since then his efforts have brought forth hundreds of hilarious observations and witticisms about the world we inhabit.

From Justin Bieber’s diary, to Vladimir Putin reviewing a glass of Coke, to Steve Jobs and Princess Diana speaking from heaven, and living proof that vegetarians are the real hunters, this isn’t something anyone should miss out on.

Phew, I’m exhausted.  If you’re already a blog subscriber, then feel free to make use of the Smashwords code below to download a free copy.  Likewise, if you’re a book reviewer of some sort, then feel free to use the code as well.  Any streakers that are planning on running naked in front of the cameras at the Olympics, feel free to use the code in exchange for writing the book title across your bum cheeks.

Kindle owners can buy it on Amazon UK and Amazon US.  Nook owners, Sony ereader owners, and PDF fans, can get it at Smashwords

The Smashwords code for a free version is – WB24B

Steve Jobs speaks from heaven

Hey there my good disciples, how y’all doing? Have you missed me? Of course you have! That turtle-neck sweater factory at the end of your road, I trust that it’s still keeping you awake at night as it churns out the old turtles non-stop? Or Turts as I like to call them. For those that don’t know, I had a trust fund setup in my name before I died. And when I say ‘died’ I actually mean ‘shot by that man on the grassy knoll’. Anyway, this fund was set up to ensure that there is enough cash to keep them factories ticking over so that there will be an ample supply of Turts for me when I return. And when I say ‘return’, I actually mean ‘immaculate resurrection’.

And why wouldn’t I want to return? It’s kind of stuffy up here sometimes and the bearded bloke who goes around telling people off is getting on my tits. He has a really weird name as well, something like ‘Dog’.

A while ago I had the neat idea of getting a drama group going so we could put on some shows for all the unhappy souls that end up here. I had this amazing idea for a play where I was this wise leader in a country known as ‘Few’ and I had the title of The King of the Fews. The play had a dramatic climax where some bad people come along and try to kill me by nailing my arms to two planks of wood at the top of a grassy knoll. I even thought up some nifty little ideas like me wearing a crown of thorns and some soppy bloke called Peter betraying me because he’s such a big pussy.

I wrote a huge ten-page script out on some really nice paper and proudly presented it to Dog; the miserable sod went bloody mental! I swear, there was steam coming out of his ears and he looked like he was going to start shooting thunderbolts out of his arse. It was then that I decided to make myself scarce and went away to hide under my Turt blanket for a while. All the excitement was wearing and it wasn’t long before I drifted off to sleep. I then had a lovely dream where everyone was walking around wearing white earphones and swiping their fingers across touchscreen smartphones. There were shops on every street corner, all of them bearing my name on the front and burning candles lined every pavement. A secret police force went around making sure that no-one picked their nose lest they dirty the front of their electronic devices.

Imagine Stalinist Russia but instead of that moustachioed twat, there are pictures of cuddly old me all over the place.  Now that’s what heaven should be like.

iPhone bereavement hotline set up as Samsung outsells Apple

Shock

Recently released sales figures had Apple corp. rapidly expanding their Indian call-centre operations as news that Samsung managed to outsell the iPhone earlier this year hit home. Apple fan James Frank was left “Dazed and confused,” as he was left considering “whether I should be stocking up on beans and sardines again,” like he did “right before the Y2K millennium bug hit.” Already reeling from the news that Steve Jobs is “No longer around to give me confidence in my purchases,” James has been phoning the helpline “Every other hour since the news broke.” This is partly down to the fact that “I can’t understand a word they’re bloody saying.”

Call centre worker Bob Patel told us that call volumes have “Increased five-fold,” that most callers are “in tears and a state of mild depression,” and also that “One person called up to say they were sharpening the edges of their iPad to slit their own throat with.” The caller was tactfully reminded that “such activities would probably invalidate the warranty.”

Courage

James remembers the times when he could “Sit on the train safe in the knowledge that my choice of smartphone was the right one,” and that he would “Wield those apple-white earphones with pride.” In an effort to regain the confidence of the past he has been “Re-watching old clips of Apple Expo,” and making sure that “my turtle-neck sweater is properly starched.”

A Samsung spokesmen told us that whilst the company was pleased with the news, he conceded that “We can’t sit back and relax just yet,” as “Apple fans are already organising themselves and prowling around our in-shop display stands. I think they’re looking for weaknesses as they’re roaring and flexing their claws like the velociraptors from Jurassic Park.”

James Frank spoke philosophically as he explained “This must be how Austin Powers felt when he lost his mojo.”