Odds and Sodds

I don’t care what the advertising blurb says; a Starbucks gift voucher would make a really crap Christmas present.

John G, Manchester

Shoppers: fed up with tax-dodging supermarkets getting free advertising at your expense?  Simply turn your ‘complimentary’ plastic carrier bags inside out next time you pack your groceries up.  That’ll teach the robbing bastards.

Sarah F, Bolton

I don’t know about anyone else, but I find the misspelling of the word ‘Sods’ highly distracting.  Not only that, it sets a bad example to young, impressionable children and future generations will look back on this as time of decadence and illiteracy.

Dave, English teacher at Highbury secondary school

To the driver of the number 60 bus who decided to drive off, just as I got to the bus stop after sprinting 50 yards to get there on time: you’re a wanker.

Adam R, Rochester

A well peeled baby carrot serves as an ideal prop to fool people into thinking you are eating a human finger from a distance.

Satan, Hell

To the English teacher complaining about the misspelling of the title, I think you’ll find it was used as a way of keeping the alliteration consistent.

Michael C, England

If you’re bursting for a shit mid-way through a long shift, simply rush back to the depot as quickly as you can.

Driver, number 60 bus

Starbucks? Sickbuckets more like

As a real coffee fan I avoid Starbucks completely. Everything about the place is wrong and I despise the rampant commercialisation of coffee. The people who work there are not ‘baristas’ at all, they are scoundrelous shits and every night I wish a pox upon them. Quite frankly if the coffee isn’t prepared how the Arabian nomadic farmers had it back in 25BC, then I don’t want to know – these damned coffee chains don’t even give you the option to have camel’s milk for goodness sake.

One time I attempted to grow my own coffee beans, just so I could be as authentic as possible. It wasn’t successful, mainly because my spare room is not an arid desert that gets 50mm of rain an hour during the monsoon season. I did try to grow some in the bath but I think I killed the plant when I dropped my pumice stone in there by accident; I had no idea that my dry skin was so toxic and I was devastated when I realised what had happened.

I’m thinking of starting up a magazine so that me and my fellow coffee aficionados can band together. It could even serve as a support group for people suffering from comedowns when making the transition from tea to coffee and I could even pitch a tent in my garden that would function as a kind of halfway house for them. To be honest I’ve never understood the appeal of tea – all that bag nonsense, it just seems so… false and dishonest.

As for that instant Nescafe stuff you can buy in the shops, well I wouldn’t even use to grit the pavements.