Michael Cargill

Regular updates of sarcastic and irreverent nonsense.

Tag Archives: spongebob squarepants

Queen Elizabeth turns down offer of yacht; would prefer vouchers instead

GroundedMichael Gove

Michael Gove, the British Secretary of State for Education, has had his offer of a yacht to the Queen embarrassingly thrown back in his face when she remarked “After bearing witness to the disaster in Italy, one has decided to holiday closer to home for the Diamond Jubilee.” A Buckingham Palace spokesman has also confirmed that the Queen is “Not at all interested in entertaining Mr Gove’s offer to act out his favourite scenes from the film Titanic.”

This is yet another blow to Michael Gove’s ambitions to be taken seriously after last week’s disastrous visit to a school where he mistook a lunch tray for an iPad. Sources say he picked the tray up and marvelled at the fact that “these things are so lightweight and portable these days.” Canteen staff looked on in amazement as he went on to ask “So how would I go about ordering a marmalade sandwich then?”

Confused

The list of gaffes committed by British governments towards the Royal Family has been growing ever since the 1983 incident when Margaret Thatcher told Princess Diana that “No, your bloody kids can’t have any free milk.” In 2005 Tony Blair famously asked Fergie “So, er, where do you get your wigs from? I’m going a bit thin on top these days so need some advice.”

Prince Philip has responded in typical fashion to the yacht offer by stating “Boats are a bloody load of shit,” and that a better gift would be “Some twat from the army to fly us around in a helicopter.”

“Gove looks like Spongebob Squarepants and always has an expression that suggests he is waiting for someone to feed him a dog turd.”

Justin Bieber’s mother discovers rash on son’s penis

Discoverybieber

Bath night in the Bieber household took a sinister turn after a suspicious rash was found on The Boy Wonder’s penis at the weekend. His shocked mother, who discovered the rash during “Pee-pee washup time,” said that it “definitely wasn’t there last Thursday.” At first she thought that it was “Just some packaging residue from when the family had been playing naked Twister,” but despite “scrubbing at it really hard and saying a silent prayer to Jesus,” it refused to go away.

Justin, a professional on-stage water bottle dodger, said that he didn’t know where it came from but he had noticed that his “Wee wee pipe had been itchier than normal,” ever since he had “stayed the night round Kim Kardashian’s house at the weekend.”

Scandal

Justin decided to spend the night at Kim’s after “She told me that I was a good boy and that she likes good boys. This made me happy because my mummy says the same thing whenever I carry the heavy shopping to the car for her.” At first Justin had been nervous but said that the “Nurses uniform that Kim was wearing made me feel safe, it was just like being at the hospital for a chicken pox check-up.”

He enjoyed the slap-up meal of “Alphabet spaghetti, chicken nuggets and curly fries,” but said that the jelly they had for pudding “Tasted a bit bitter and weird. I still ate it though because it was yellow jelly, which is my favourite.” They then played some board games and “watched Spongebob Squarepants: The Movie before going sleep sleeps.”

“The next morning Kim told me she had got up early to play Hide the Sausage. I don’t know the rules for that game but she said she was slow and careful so as not to wake me and she is looking forward to seeing mummy’s little soldier again.”

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