Michael Cargill

Regular updates of sarcastic and irreverent nonsense.

Tag Archives: spielberg

Archaeology is fun and exciting

skullHi there, my name is Anthony Hope and I am a professional archaeologist. What most people don’t realise is that archaeology is actually an art form. Nothing tickles my cockles more than slowly brushing away a few specks of dirt and finding the remains of an ancient homoerectus skull gradually exposing itself. Getting a homoerectus is a rather enjoyable experience and it can happen at any time. I once got one first thing in morning and I was so surprised that I almost trod on it! I generally hope to get one or two homoerectuses popping up each week or so and sometimes I take them in the shower with me so I can scrub away at the dirty bits. I once asked the receptionist if she would like a bit of my homoerectus and she slapped me round the face; clearly she’s in love with one of those dinosaur-digging palaeontology idiots.

I tell you that damn Jurassic Park film has got a lot to answer for. Ever since Spielberg made that film people are always asking me if I have found any dinosaurs. Let’s get one thing straight: palaeontology is complete balls. I don’t care how much they go on about your t-rex this, or your raptor that, everyone knows that Jesus and Moses planted those bones and I said as much at the time. I was in the cinema handing out leaflets and yelling, yelling, at people saying none of what they were watching was true. You know what happened? I got thrown out no matter how many extra tickets and boxes of popcorn I bought. Some people just can’t handle the truth.

Archaeology is a very rewarding experience. You know that fresh feeling you get when you brush your teeth in the morning? I get that feeling all the time! Down on my knees all day with my best buddies, a well-placed toothbrush can be an exhilarating experience. Once those bristles have been worked into all the nooks and crannies there ain’t no stopping me from whooping and hollering in delight.

It can be tiring work though. When I come home my wife often asks if I will tend to her lady-garden but after 35-years of marriage it’s really not my thing anymore – the begonias create an awful pong if they aren’t looked after properly.

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