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Regular updates of sarcastic and irreverent nonsense.
Bath night in the Bieber household took a sinister turn after a suspicious rash was found on The Boy Wonder’s penis at the weekend. His shocked mother, who discovered the rash during “Pee-pee washup time,” said that it “definitely wasn’t there last Thursday.” At first she thought that it was “Just some packaging residue from when the family had been playing naked Twister,” but despite “scrubbing at it really hard and saying a silent prayer to Jesus,” it refused to go away.
Justin, a professional on-stage water bottle dodger, said that he didn’t know where it came from but he had noticed that his “Wee wee pipe had been itchier than normal,” ever since he had “stayed the night round Kim Kardashian’s house at the weekend.”
Justin decided to spend the night at Kim’s after “She told me that I was a good boy and that she likes good boys. This made me happy because my mummy says the same thing whenever I carry the heavy shopping to the car for her.” At first Justin had been nervous but said that the “Nurses uniform that Kim was wearing made me feel safe, it was just like being at the hospital for a chicken pox check-up.”
He enjoyed the slap-up meal of “Alphabet spaghetti, chicken nuggets and curly fries,” but said that the jelly they had for pudding “Tasted a bit bitter and weird. I still ate it though because it was yellow jelly, which is my favourite.” They then played some board games and “watched Spongebob Squarepants: The Movie before going sleep sleeps.”
“The next morning Kim told me she had got up early to play Hide the Sausage. I don’t know the rules for that game but she said she was slow and careful so as not to wake me and she is looking forward to seeing mummy’s little soldier again.”
Revelations of Michael Jackson’s last visit to his favourite Irish-themed pub have started to emerge over the last few days. The singer, described as “Just a regular Joe propping up the bar whenever he came in,” was in high spirits at McMurphys, an establishment just round the corner from his Neverland Ranch in California. Pub owner Max Maxwell Maxly said “He came in here most Fridays when he was in the area. As soon as he stepped over the line into this place, he was a different person. Off came the face mask and all that bullshit about saving dolphins went out the window. His concierge would ring ahead so we could start pouring his favourite Guinness tipple before he got here; that stuff takes a good twenty minutes to settle and Jackson liked it be to ready when he arrived.”
Numerous other revellers at McMurphys said Jackson was “A whole lot of fun,” and “one of us, he never tried to skip a round.” John Flagon said “On that last night he was on top form as usual. Brussel sprouts always gave him bad wind and he had eaten a whole bag of them for lunch. Come midnight, his guts were moving and shaking and he was up on the table with some guys who were lighting each other’s farts. Jackson quite literally blew them away, it was spectacular and hilarious. When he asked us if his face was starting to melt he really brought the house down.”
Jackson wasn’t afraid of talking about his private life and he described Lisa Marie Presley as having “A great ass,” but “couldn’t Moonwalk for shit.” Macaulay Culkin was apparently “An annoying little shit,” and he only allowed him to appear in his music videos because he “Was real good with computers and often fixed things up when I got a virus.”
Max Maxwell Maxly emotionally told us “He really was the greatest performer the world has ever seen. We all miss him.”