Michael Cargill

Regular updates of sarcastic and irreverent nonsense.

Tag Archives: signs of the zodiac

The 2012 London Olympic stadium does your horoscopes

Hi there, gang! I tell you I’m sLondon-Olympic-Stadiumo glad that this sports malarkey finally got going as it gives me a chance to stretch my legs. For the past seven years I’ve had all manner of smelly builders climbing all over me sticking their bits in my nooks and crannies. Some of them don’t even wash their hands after going to the loo and the amount of hairy arse-cleavage on show was enough to make me heave.

Pisces, Taurus, Gemini

Oh dear, I’m all nervous now. Stop looking at me like that, you’re making me go all shy. Okay, that Bulgarian female weightlifter has put her clothes back on now – all that hair and testosterone was making me feel ill. Do any of you have tickets? If not, just say yo’’re with the Jamaican bob-sleigh team. There was a documentary about them once they had a riot of a time. I wonder if that mad one has still got his lucky egg? It’s probably best to avoid the Germans though, they’re a bunch of dicks.

Cancer, Leo, Scorpio

Erg, have you been looking around in those awful charity shops again? That dress is hideous. Look, I know it’s been nicknamed the ‘austerity games’, but really. And why is your husband wearing faded green socks with those awful sandals…? Is he trying to look like a German paedophile tourist on purpose? Shoo, shoo, away with you! Tout your tickets for three times their face value and never return here again, not even when I’m nothing more than a forgotten, rotting husk once the Games have finished. Olympic legacy? Olympic leprosy more like.

Capricorn, Aquarius, Libra

Ah, little Sammy! I remember you writing me that letter last year asking if you could bake me a cake. I had a bit of trouble reading your childish scribbles but I got there in the end. So, did you remember the cake? Oh, it’s a mud pie? Well, I guess you have to make do with what you have and your mummy won’t let you use the oven yet. Okay, see that security guard over there? Throw the cake at him! He is always whipping his willy out and going for a piss up against my walls because he can’t be bothered to walk to the gents toilet. Kraut bastard, I bet he has a really fat wife.

Virgo, Sagittarius, Aries

A quick tip for you guys: bring a cardigan as the weather hasn’t been as warm as it should be. Might want to bring some wellies and a brolly as well just in case it rains. Bear in mind that it’s summer, so shorts are ideal if it gets hot. The food is shockingly expensive inside so hide some biscuits in your socks. Oh and the security is a complete shambles so if you’ve got your own explosives sniffer dog, bring him along just in case. And a gun if you have one.

Beauty Baggins horoscopes you

Morning ahoroscopesll. I was eating a packet of crisps the other day when I got thinking. It was supposed to be prawn cocktail flavour but I’ve never had an actual prawn cocktail before, so for all I know Walkers were lying to me. This didn’t stop me from eating the whole packet though and I had a Mars Bar afterwards.

Pisces, Taurus, Gemini

Poetry is usually a load of nonsense but this week it might be rather important for you lot. The local paper is holding a creativity competition and they aren’t expecting many poems to be submitted, so you will be in with a shout of winning something if you get working on it. The top prize is a haiku set and the runner-up gets a slap up meal in KFC so start scribbling.

Cancer, Leo, Scorpio

Do you ever buy those packets of frozen profiteroles and then only use half the chocolate sauce? You must have loads of excess sachets hanging around by now, so see if there are any local chocolate fountain manufacturers running low on supplies. If not, you could simply use them as treats for your pet dog when trying to train him to jump through hoops and run up slides.

Capricorn, Aquarius, Libra

Sticks are your friends this week. If you see any sticks or branches lying on your lawn, nip out and rescue them before they get used to make a bird’s nest. Dry them out and sell them as logs to midgets or something.

Virgo, Sagittarius, Aries

Your sink is chock full of dirty dishes so get some soapy stuff and clean them. The cockroaches and mice are just around the corner so you will have to act fast if you don’t want them pitching their tents in your kitchen.

Horoscopes with Beauty Baggins

Hey ho everyohoroscopesne. My garden is chock full of leaves at the moment and the wife keeps asking me to sweep them up. Thing is I’ve developed a kind of phobia about what might be lurking under the leaves and I’m worried about treading on something nasty like a slug or a dead pigeon. No-one ever finds anything nice like a winning lottery ticket or an unopened tub of honey roasted peanuts in the garden.

Pisces, Taurus, Gemini

A power cut is imminent in your area so you should go out and buy a torch or two in preparation for it. Don’t worry about having useless excess torches left over afterwards though – placed strategically around your garden they make ideal leaning posts for your garden gnomes when they come to life at night.

Cancer, Leo, Scorpio

If you have any amateur palaeontologists in your family you should invite them round for tea. Buy some yellow jelly and stick a dead fly or other insect in the middle of it. Present this to your scientist-in-training and see if they start waffling on about dinosaur DNA trapped in amber. Be sure to record it for future YouTube hilarity.

Capricorn, Aquarius, Libra

Next time you go for a haircut, ask the chatty barber if you can have all the hair that is on the floor. Once you have a sackful divide it up and fill numerous smaller plastic bags with the hair. Hey presto! You now have portable ‘hairbags’ that can save you from certain death if you fall off a chair or get hit by a car whilst running across the road.

Virgo, Sagittarius, Aries

Aunt Mable will be popping round unexpectedly this week. Make sure you clean the place up and throw away all those empty pizza boxes – you know what a house-proud old witch she can be. Probably best if you leave one small cobweb in the corner though – if she doesn’t have something to complain about the shock might kill her. Use this information as you see fit.

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