Michael Cargill

Regular updates of sarcastic and irreverent nonsense.

Tag Archives: Sellotape

A cub scout reviews a tape measure

tapemeasureHi, gang!  My name is Jeremy Jez and I’m a member of the 23rd Alrdridge Scout Group.

Now, if there’s one thing that Akela is always telling me it’s that I should be going out and doing things for myself, and it’s for that reason that I’ve decided to become more independent.  And what better way to do that than to take a close look at a tape measure?  All the important people use them, like plumbers and electricians, and I once saw a car park attendant using one to see if someone had double-parked or not.  Cool, eh?

After asking my mum to turn the light on for me, I went into the garage and found dad’s measuring tape on the shelf.  It’s one of those special ones where the tape rolls back into the holster thing when you let go, so I’ve got to make sure I don’t cut myself on the sharp edges.  Someone should invent a sellotape that can do that as well, ‘cos it always seems to get stuck to my fingers.

First of all I decided to try and measure the hallway, but it turns out that the tape wasn’t long enough which is a bit rubbish.  Does that mean you have to buy two of them if you want to measure a room in your house?  That must cost LOADS.

I then measured my Xbox, which was quite big, but not as big as my TV.  I got out my sleeping bag that I took to summer camp and measured the wee stain from when I wet the bed because I thought I heard a bear outside the tent – turned out it was just the patrol leader coming back from the toilet.

Actually, that reminds me: my patrol leader is always boasting about how big his willy is, so this is a great chance to see if it’s true.  Hmmm, the tape says mine is three inches long – that’s really good, right?

No way will anyone else be able to beat that!

A chat with Mr Sellotape

John Sellotasellotapepe here, head of the mighty Sellotape stationery empire. Interesting fact: did you know that last year 16 billion rolls of Sellotape were sold? That’s quite impressive, yes? But hold on, this got me thinking… how much of that Sellotape sold was used to package up other boxes of Sellotape ready to be sent out to shops and newsagents all over the globe? So then I got thinking some more and started wondering what was used to seal up boxes before Sellotape was invented… I could come up with only one answer: spaghetti.

It’s true, it has to be! Think about it – spaghetti is Italian and several thousand years ago the Romans ruled the earth. Them Romans was Italian so it makes perfect sense from a historical perspective. They must have had a huge cauldron that they cooked all the spag’ up in and then used it to tie up their sandals. Chances are that they used it to string their bows in an emergency as well. In fact, they probably even whipped their slaves and crucified Jesus Christ with the stuff. Say what you want about the Roms but they knew how to use their spag’ and it kind of makes you wonder where it all went wrong for them… and I reckon they got into the bad habit of overcooking it. Nothing worse than going round someone’s house for dinner and finding that they have overcooked the pasta, it totally ruins the night. Heaven only knows what effect it would have on an empire quite literally built on the stuff.

Although I talk about the Romans ruling the earth, this was long after the dinosaurs went extinct. Now I tell you them bally dinos where a strict lot what with all the sharp teeth and deadly claws flying about the place. I wonder how the tyrannosaurus rex would have used Sello or spag if either of them had existed back then – those arms of his are quite short and not really suited to finding the end of the tape. Plus, that big chin of his would get in the way and maybe even knock the roll out of his hand by accident. I reckon he could probably scoop up a load of spag quite easily and twirl it into a manageable clump – he could even make a giant spider’s web with it to catch any low-flying pterodactyls. Would probably have to get a helping hand from a passing diplodocus though.

Man, I love Sellotape.

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