Michael Cargill

Regular updates of sarcastic and irreverent nonsense.

Tag Archives: santa claus

Christmas Eve is no picnic for me, Mrs Claus, either

Hello there, Mrs Claus here. Or Green Claws as the kids in school used tomrs.-claus call me when they caught me picking my nose. An elf had the cheek to call me that when I was putting a load of mistletoe up one year and I soon wiped the smile off of her face, the skinny little bitch. I don’t tolerate sluts in my household and she was one of the worst, always strutting about in those tight red legging of hers. Always giggling and stroking her thin ears and pronounced cheek bones around whenever a man was within earshot – let’s see what a month of barn duty with the reindeers does for her complexion. Dasher’s digestive system goes to hell if he isn’t given his medication in time.

This evening I have to make sure that Santa’s costume is kept warm on the radiator before he goes out. I swear he never listens to me and one day he will catch the death of cold if I am not there to make sure he is wrapped up tight. One year he went out with odd socks on! Can you imagine it he looked a right state. Good job that it was in the days before iPhones and Androids so there were no snotty little brats to take pictures of him. I tell you, it is divorce time if some clever dick catches him looking like a scruff and makes a George Bush video of an Iraqi throwing shoes at him.

I used to wait up for hubby each night, worried sick about what might happen to him as he flies over enemy territory such as Russia, Iran, and the South Pole. I tell you, those penguins down in Antarctica hate him for some reason and I don’t care how cute they look on TV. David Attenborough, typical man, thinks he knows it all on those BBC nature documentaries but the moment his back is turned, those waddling birds go back to plotting dastardly deeds against us.

He better not go anywhere near that Easter Bunny; I’ve seen the way she looks at him. Sometimes, I just wish he would crash into a wall and leave me in peace.

North Pole elves claim that Santa is ‘worse than Hitler’

SantaConditions

Documents released by Wikileaks have revealed that all is not well up at the North Pole with Santa Claus being described as “A slave driver,” and a “Real arrogant son of a bitch,” by his employees. Although commonly regarded as the world’s greatest philanthropist, Santa Claus is “Typical of someone who managed to come up with only one good idea in their entire life,” and has been “Milking it for all it’s worth, ever since.”

Head elf Erika Layla said “Every year it’s the same with all of us working long shifts in the run up to Christmas. His popularity has really gone to his head and he’s been unbearable ever since people started leaving mince pies and wine out for him.” Depression and loneliness are rife in the Grotto, with “Everyone’s ears drooping by the end of the day,” and some of the workers even go so far as to “Wish we had all been born as dwarves instead.”

Perspective

Santa’s wife hit back at the accusations, stating that “his main priority is making sure the kids have a great Christmas,” and that “despite spending the entire night emptying his sacks all over the world, he still comes back home for a nice snuggle. As far as I’m concerned he can do what he wants.” She conceded that “Maybe he is a bit too fond of riding the reindeer late at night,” but then again “every man has his Achilles heel; his is just higher up. It don’t half make a bloody mess of his trousers though.”

Equally scandalous charges were made against the tooth fairy recently after it was revealed that improved dental hygiene has meant that demand for her services has waned in recent years. She was accused of trying to drum up extra business by “Crapping in people’s mouths as they slept,” so that they had “Really shitty breath in the morning.”

“There is no tooth to these allegations,” she claimed. “Someone is making a mountain out of a molar hill.”

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