Michael Cargill

Regular updates of sarcastic and irreverent nonsense.

Tag Archives: santa barbara

Seeing as I’m the office fat bitch know-it-all…

mumsnet…it stands to reason that there’s simply no need for you to ever speak if I’m in the building.

Wsssht!  Why are you talking?  I already know what you’re going to say, so why bore everyone with your tedious prose?  And even if it turns out that I was wrong about what you were going to chat about – which isn’t likely – I’ll simply TALK OVER THE TOP OF YOU UNTIL YOU REALISE HOW FUTILE YOUR VOCAL CHORDS ARE.

By the way, did you see the re-run of Santa Barbara on channel 125 last night?  Oh, it was marvellous.  Bridget was worried that Jerome was cheating on her again and there was another misunderstanding when… WHY ARE YOU TELLING ME YOU USED TO WATCH IT BACK IN THE DAY? I KNOW WHAT YOU’RE GOING TO SAY BECAUSE I WATCHED IT LAST NIGHT.

I remember a few years ago when management were thinking about getting Neil Armstrong, the former astronaut, to come in and give a motivational talk to us.  Can you believe it?  Neil Armstrong!  He’s a legend!  A pioneer!  And a complete waste of the annual entertainment budget.

I marched into their meeting and told them what a bunch of fools there were, explaining that I recently read two newspaper articles and recorded at least one documentary on the Apollo Moon Landings… so what the hell could Neil tell us that I didn’t already know?  I even offered to do the talk myself but they declined the offer and ended up spending the cash on a staff BBQ instead.

It was horrendous, the caterers were cooking the sausages all wrong and wouldn’t listen to a word I said to them.

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