Michael Cargill

Regular updates of sarcastic and irreverent nonsense.

Tag Archives: saddam hussein

Saddam Hussein reviews He-man

SaddamI catched my son watching cartoon called He-man other day. I watch it and I get disgust, it just American propaganda lies to turn all my dear fellow Iraqis against me so they not vote for me at next fully democratic Democracy Vote Day for Democracy. Also, why called He-man? ‘He’ and ‘man’ mean same thing, stupid Americans always say same thing twice. Just like they vote in president call Bush twice, they be stupid and fat from eating mutton rolls all day in Starbuck.

In cartoon there stupid floating thing called Orko, he look like towel and have stupid voice. His name sound like Orka, famous fish in Disney Sea World Adventure Park. See, Americans say things twice again, as they stupid and fat. If I ever met Orko I would hang mutton rolls on him using bits of string. He better be careful because if mutton roll touch floor and get dirty, I have him torture to tell me where grassy knoll is. I have done much research on grassy knoll and it weapon of mass destruction that CIA and FBI use to kill President of Kennedy.

He-man say he most powerful man in universe, but that not true. I see The Rock in WCW wrestling and he do jumps from ropes that He-man not do. I practice jumps on my bed and get injury when I slip on mutton roll and bang my head on floor. George Bush fax me email saying he is most powerful man in world, but that not true either. I fax email back asking how Simba in Disney Lion King grew up so fast when he walk across log but Bush say he not seen film.

I see Simba appear in He-man but called Battle Cat. Americans doing things twice again, as they are so stupid and fat.

Veteran road painter’s shame as he runs out of paint

Mishaproad-lines

57-year old Gerald Markford told of his “Utmost shame and embarrassment,” when he realised that he had run out of paint whilst marking out a 3-mile stretch of road in Devon. The experienced road-worker, who was first employed by the local authority in 1958, said that he had been thinking about his niece’s Christening that was taking place at the weekend when “I looked down and realised that there weren’t any bleedin’ paint in the roller thing. I’d been walking for 300 yards, overalls and all, with not a drop of goodness coming out of my thinger no matter how hard I pulled and tugged on it.”

The road, which has since been repainted fully, was missing numerous important markings which “Could have caused a terrible accident if one of them wonky knocker-lorries had come busting down the road” like they sometimes does. They might have crashed into something big and spilt all them nice apples all over the place.” This would be particularly shocking as Gerald is “very fond of apples, ‘specially them fresh ones. My dear old Marjorie says that she likes to polish up a big red one until it looks like it’s going to burst its sweet goodness all over her face. Chance would be a fine thing, I says!”

Shaken

Gerald has promised to make sure that this never happens again by “Taking an extra tin pot with me, a practice that I had abandoned back when Saddam started the Gulf War. He was a terrible bugger he was. Scared me stiff whenever I thought of the things he could be doing to me if I was tied up in his chamber of dirty. Marjorie would have a fit if she knew about the things that go through my head sometimes.”

Speaking about his fear of being called up by the army and sent out to fight in the Iraqi desert, he said “If they captured me all I would ask was that they let me keep my overalls on. They are special to me, just you ask my Marjorie!”

“I got years of secrets hiding in the folds of them things.”

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