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- RT @TheTopoftheD: As the Women’s World Cup starts this week, I’ve written this for @TheHockeyPaper. I suspect it might not be as popular… 1 month ago
Regular updates of sarcastic and irreverent nonsense.
Greetings, fine Western peoples of the Internet. For birthday last year I receive modem of 56k to access and surfs websites of glorious information. Since then, I have had much fun reading emails from comrades all over the globals. My most favourite email so far was one of Kylie Minogue doing dance in her underwear and stockings! It take me three days to download and I can only watch it when wife is in bed, but is worth every penny of large phone bill. Kylie has nice bottom and does good locomotions, yes? I think she could be ballet dancer one day, or maybe expensive stripper. I don’t know, choice be up to her.
Anyway, wife saw me browsing Internet other day and ask me to buy her nice gift. I say okay and decide to buy hair net. I love wife dearly, she make best boiled potatoes and pickled cabbage in all of Soviet. Hair net arrive today and now I open box. Hmmm, seems website sent me two instead of one. Must be because modem disconnect whilst I place order and ended up going through twice. Oh well, mean I have one to practice with before using properly. I take it out of box and AAARGH! It look like spider web! I not like spiders much, they always fall in mouth when I snores at night. I take quick shot of vodka to calm my nerves before continue.
Right, so what hair net for then? At first I thinking maybe for keeping spare hair, so can make wig when old and baldy but net have big holes that hair would fall out of. Maybe it for catching stray hairs blowing in wind, like butterfly net is. Thing is, hair net have no handle included in box so that mean have to make own one out of sticks. Only stick I have is for punishing children when they no go up blocked chimney to clear blockage. Perhaps it like fishing net, and I need to leave it out on pavement to trap passing hairs. I hope no-one steal it during night, as post and packing is expense on Internet.
Now I think about, wife have hairy under arms so maybe be good for that. Hopefully it stop spiders too.
Comrades. As the new and rightful leader I here to tell you what is what. I divide you up by star sign and then say what is happen. You must not try to get out of it or else man who wrestle bear for fun will come and find you. I sometime wrestle bear for fun and I teach other mans who like to wrestle how to do it too. We have fun and shoot guns for fun as well. Then we practise putting people in cage and no feed them for six weeks; is fun.
Pisces, Taurus, Gemini
Your favourite TV programme have special omnibus special this week. Omnibus is now cancel so you do something else instead and I suggest learning Judo for fun or maybe even make mashed potato for local bear wrestling club. For every 500 potatoes you peel, get free bullet for gun of my choice.
Cancer, Leo, Scorpio
Favourite vending machine at work is now changed – no more vending Coca Cola and Scampi Snacks, but bricks and cyanide instead. Price is doubled too. You buy brick and donate to local martial art dojo so they buy cages for bears. Cyanide is for killing rats in house. You say you no have rats? You will soon, so buy quick before cyanide run out.
Capricorn, Aquarius, Libra
I see you have nice shampoo in bathroom. Soon, shampoo not be in stock in shop so you have better shampoo instead. Is black in colour and can be use for paint or wash car as well. It is like hair dye too, which is good as I like sexy brunette very much. Soon, all lady have sexy brunette hair.
Virgo, Sagittarius, Aries
You have nice wallpaper and pictures up in house. Is nice but you take down soon. Everyone having nice and smart grey concrete walls and lights with no lampshade, which be good practice for when you get arrest and put in prison for being spy. I know you spy as you have pet rabbit or dog instead of have bear to practice wrestling on.
Hello there, Mrs Claus here. Or Green Claws as the kids in school used to call me when they caught me picking my nose. An elf had the cheek to call me that when I was putting a load of mistletoe up one year and I soon wiped the smile off of her face, the skinny little bitch. I don’t tolerate sluts in my household and she was one of the worst, always strutting about in those tight red legging of hers. Always giggling and stroking her thin ears and pronounced cheek bones around whenever a man was within earshot – let’s see what a month of barn duty with the reindeers does for her complexion. Dasher’s digestive system goes to hell if he isn’t given his medication in time.
This evening I have to make sure that Santa’s costume is kept warm on the radiator before he goes out. I swear he never listens to me and one day he will catch the death of cold if I am not there to make sure he is wrapped up tight. One year he went out with odd socks on! Can you imagine it he looked a right state. Good job that it was in the days before iPhones and Androids so there were no snotty little brats to take pictures of him. I tell you, it is divorce time if some clever dick catches him looking like a scruff and makes a George Bush video of an Iraqi throwing shoes at him.
I used to wait up for hubby each night, worried sick about what might happen to him as he flies over enemy territory such as Russia, Iran, and the South Pole. I tell you, those penguins down in Antarctica hate him for some reason and I don’t care how cute they look on TV. David Attenborough, typical man, thinks he knows it all on those BBC nature documentaries but the moment his back is turned, those waddling birds go back to plotting dastardly deeds against us.
He better not go anywhere near that Easter Bunny; I’ve seen the way she looks at him. Sometimes, I just wish he would crash into a wall and leave me in peace.