Michael Cargill

Regular updates of sarcastic and irreverent nonsense.

Tag Archives: rape

Q&A with the King of Dubai

King of DubaiHai, peeps!

Ever since I watch Peter Pan film, I been fascinate with idea of eternal youth.  Peter Pan never have to worry about get hairy ears and nose due to getting old, and he also able to get in cinema for student price provide he has valid student college card.  Downside is that he have to keep go to college and do homeworks, but I say is worthy trade.  Also, having beautiful fairy in short skirt follow him around is good bonus too.

Dear King of Dubai

I’m thinking of taking my family on holiday to Dubai next year, but the possibility of being kidnapped, beaten, raped, and then thrown in jail is a cause of concern.  Are these horror stories true?

My friend, I completely sympathise!  There are bad peoples around, so is important for tourist to think before leaping.  For instant, if wife wants to leave hotel then she at risk entire time she is in possession of a vagina so I recommend she leave it in reception safety box so no-one can touch it.  Also, don’t leave things lying around that might tempt hotel cleaners to spread rumours – if they find female underwears whilst looking through your luggage then you only have yourselves to blame if sniffer dogs find wife.

Is just common sense, no?

Dear King of Dubai

I’m considering building a massive new hotel out in the desert next year, but I’ve heard rumours that the workers are starting to demand better working conditions.  Is there any truth to what the doom-mongers are telling me?

My friend, I completely sympathise!  Is well known that troublemakers are making troubles out here in the desert, so is important to stay vigilant.  Some of enterprising managers have been handing out breathing masks to their workers, under excuse that it protects during sandstorms.  However, under Dubai law, breathing mask is same as muzzle you put on noisy dogs, so technically it means that all workers only have rights of animals!  Which is to say, no rights at all!

Is just common sense, no?

Lightbulb has no regrets as filament finally burns out

bulbIgnite

An incandescent light bulb has stated that, although he is sad that his life as a light-provider is now over, he is “More than happy with the life I led,” and is proud to say that he “Probably even managed to prevent a rape or two.” “This is a pretty rough area,” he explained. “Plenty of scumbags around just waiting for a prolonged period of darkness so that they can carry out their scumbaggery. Well, not on my watch they didn’t and I like to think that every lady who walked within my sphere of bulbousness felt safe the entire time.”

Describing the penultimate moment just before his filament finally fizzled out, he said that it was “Not as bad as I thought it would be though I could definitely feel it happening. There was a kind of a silence and then what sounded like a train coming towards me. You know that feeling you get when you’re about to burp? It was like that but with a few thousand volts of electricity running through your backside. And then that was it. It went all dark and I just stayed there wondering if I was going to get a gold watch or a certificate or something.”

Burnt

The bulb went on to say “Some people really don’t understand bulbs at all which surprises me. Once someone tried to unscrew me right after turning me off. I sat there the whole time thinking ‘don’t do it man, don’t be stupid’. All he had to do was go and check on something for a few minutes whilst I cooled down, but no, and his impatience earned him a nice set of burnt fingers as a result. You know what they say – more haste, less speed.”

Speaking about the new energy-saving lightbulbs that are swamping the marketplace, he said “Yeah, those new guys are definitely the future. Guys like me, we’re just dinosaurs now with our delicate little filament wobbling away every time we’re moved but the traditionalists will miss us. You can tell by the way they sometimes put us up by their ear and shake us to see if we’re still working – that’s an emotional bond right there. It’s sad, but there you go.”

“I just hope I get put into the correct recycling container this evening. No way do I want to end up with the paper waste.”

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