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Regular updates of sarcastic and irreverent nonsense.
Last week mummy bought me a pet rabbit as a surprise for being such a good boy and because she said rabbits are really cute. The rabbit is really funny and likes to run around in circles and I have named him Playboy after seeing a picture of a lady in a bunny costume on a magazine that daddy sometimes takes with him into the toilet. For some reason he always spends a long time in there and comes out all red faced and has to go for a sleep-sleep afterwards.
I put the rabbit on my bed and he started doing lots of poos that look like raisins and then he started eating them probably because raisins are really nice. I decided to copy him and did a poo on the bed and tried to eat it but it tasted like peanuts and got stuck in the roof of my mouth. When mummy came in and saw me she started shouting and said a word that began with ‘c’ but definitely wasn’t ‘cute’ which is what she says to the rabbit and I did a cry.
Yesterday I let the rabbit out and he was running around and did a big wee on the carpet that smelled like Sugar Puffs but he didn’t try to eat it which was weird because Sugar Puffs are the best ever cereal. I wanted to give him some of my favourite juice but mummy told me not to and then I tried to see if he wanted to play on my Xbox but he started biting the controller and now the joysticks don’t work properly which means all the angry people do swears at me when I play online which makes me do a cry.
Seeing as its winter I thought he might be cold so I gave him some of my clothes but I accidentally dropped my belt on his head and he stopped moving and now mummy says we have to take him to the vets for a special injection. I remember when I had a special injection at school and they gave me a sticker to wear afterwards so I hope Playboy doesn’t mind if his fur gets all sticky.
Has anyone else noticed how hippos are like old people? They’re constantly smiling, don’t seem to have many teeth, and it wouldn’t surprise me if they were prone to pissing themselves after getting lost in the supermarket.
Frazzle R, Bolton
I once put my microwave on for three hours, the highest setting I can put the timer to, just to see what would happen. Five minutes before the end there was a power cut along my road, so I never found out.
John W, Lancs
A candle is the ideal ornament for fooling guests into thinking that you’ve got a pet rabbit, provided that it is brown, shaped like a rabbit, and surrounded by half-eaten carrot ends.
Bob L, Woolton
Alcoholics: Remember that you go to the bar for a drink, and the urinal when you need a piss, rather than the other way round.
Jack D, US
Last week whilst cutting my toenails, I suddenly thought of the song It’s the End of the World as We Know It by REM. Five minutes later, next door’s cat was hit by a car. Has anyone else suffered a near-miss premonition of Armageddon like that?
I recently learnt that DVD stands for Digital Versatile Disc. That’s all well and good, but if you snap one in half you are left with sharp pieces of plastic lying around. There’s a fine line between versatile and dangerous, and these guys crossed that line years ago.
Talking of near-misses, a bee flew right into my face whilst I was relaxing in the garden the other day. Thank heavens I wasn’t a pilot trying to land a passenger-laden Boeing 767 airliner at the time.