Michael Cargill

Regular updates of sarcastic and irreverent nonsense.

Tag Archives: prince philip

NHS staff still recovering from Prince Philip’s heart surgery

StablePrince Philip

Hospital staff at Papworth Hospital in Cambridgeshire are said to be “Recovering well,” ever since performing heart surgery on Prince Philip a week ago. The 90-year old Prince initially terrified staff when he insisted that “I want the same bed that the fat bitch from the Princess and the Pea had,” but calmed down after “someone retold him his favourite racist joke.” Soon after being introduced to the surgeon he voiced his displeasure at “being treated by the sort of soppy bastard that wears slippers to work.”

Ambulance crews drew lots to decide who would be transporting the Prince to the hospital with free counselling being offered to those who required it. Paramedics had been briefed to “Remove any jewellery and personal items that may have originated from China, India, Russia, Iran, Japan, Africa, Argentina, or Germany, so as not to upset the Prince during the journey.”


There was a brief respite from the Prince’s barbed words once he was put under anaesthetic, but upon later waking up it wasn’t long before he was demanding that “One of you stupid bastards must have some gin or at least a few drops of port on you.” When an orderly asked if he needed another pillow the Prince replied with “Who let this spikey haired twat in my room?”

Although the Prince is now back at Buckingham Palace, he is being kept under strict observation. This has been met with indignant retorts such as “Are you going to stand there whilst I have a shit?” and “even without my glasses I can see you’re an ugly bugger””

Usually an active person, the Prince is often complaining about how he has nothing to do. “Christ, I’m bored… I fancy shooting something. Quick, someone call Fergie.”

Queen Elizabeth II replaced with robot clone


Scandal has yet again struck Buckingham Palace with the news that Britain’s most famous OAP has been replaced with a “Ghastly robotic clone that is nonetheless jolly convincing.” Suspicions about Her Maj. were first raised a few weeks ago when she “Suddenly started winning the arm-wrestling competitions,” and developed a “new-found affection for cannonballs and motor oil.”

Prince Philip said he first noticed that something was up “When I first overheard her flirting with the cutlery.” Maintenance engineers were initially surprised when she started asking questions about the Palace showers. “She seemed really fascinated about whether we were in a soft water or a hard water area and what effect that might have on metal exo-skeletons. I thought that Wolverine from the X-Men might be coming to stay but it all makes sense now.”


Robert Willow of The Royals Are Aliens Society has said that “This is further proof that we’re under attack,” and it is yet another example of the monarchy being behind the times after it was discovered that “Some of the flowers at the Golden Jubilee were made of plastic.”

Security has been ramped up at the Palace and the paranoia means that “The occasional false alarm is raised.” One nervous maid passed out with shock when “I saw a tall, skinny zombie with a droopy face making strange noises in one of the bedrooms.” Everyone was evacuated and Scotland Yard performed a full sweep of the area.

“Turns out it was just Prince Charles stepping out of the shower.”

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