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Regular updates of sarcastic and irreverent nonsense.
The other morning I woke up and saw that it was sunny outside so I thought summer had arrived but then I did a sneeze which made me feel all cold so mummy told me to put a jumper on. I went out into the garden to play on my big blue slide but there was a pigeon on it and I had to wait until he flew away. I once heard daddy say that pigeons are like flying rats and I don’t like rats because I heard they eat children and live in the sewers with all the poo. I hope there isn’t any poo on my slide because mummy would shout at me if my trousers got dirty and I sometimes do a cry when she shouts.
When it was time for lunch mummy asked me if I wanted the alphabet or the dinosaur spaghetti shapes and straight away I chose the dinosaurs. I like dinosaurs because they are big and strong and can go to bed whenever they want to. Afterwards I did a big windy-pop that smelled like pickled onions and lemonade. Mummy asked if it was me who did it and I said that it was and then she asked if I was sorry and I said that I was and then she told me not to do it again so I didn’t.
I went outside on my bike and rode around in a circle really fast. I started to get really dizzy and then I fell off and hurt my knee so mummy came out and kissed it better and put a plaster on it. I went on my bike again but this time went round the other way and I got dizzy again and fell over and hurt my other knee. Mummy came out and shouted at me and wouldn’t kiss it better but she put a plaster on it and said it will get better by itself. I hope my unkissed knee does get better because if it fell off it would be really hard for the doctors to put it back on again.
If I was a dinosaur I would be a four-legged dinosaur because they can’t fall over and hurt their knees although I don’t think they can ride bikes either.
Local pigeons have been causing “Mayhem and panic,” in a popular park in London this week. Professional busker Mark Lawrenson was “Just getting warmed up,” when a pigeon unexpectedly “landed on the ground.” Mark was upset because “This is a bloody good busking spot,” and “I had to wipe the mouth organ clean again because I dropped it on the grass during the panic.”
Observer Sue Wall said “He was just getting to the good bit in ‘How much is that doggy in the window?’ when that horrible pigeon flew down and tried to pick up a bit of bread. I was sending a text message to my daughter and I pressed the wrong key by accident; I hope she realises I meant tea-set and not tea-sex.”
Wild animals have often been the bane of Londoners lives over the years as pampered urbanites meet nature in a clash of wills. A squirrel caused a stir on Comic Relief Day when it approached a mime artist and “wildly flicked its tail,” before “scrabbling up a tree.”
Grieving pet owner Katie Wand told us of her experience with a feathered monster: “I saw what I thought was my dead cat’s spirit coming towards me in the form of a beautiful, white dove. I reached out and it landed next to me on the bench and then flew off again. I was distraught with grief and anger when someone told me it was just a bloody pigeon.”
In the early hours of Saturday morning a squirrel was saved from certain death thanks to the selfless actions of a passing pigeon. The pigeon said “Yeah, I was just fluttering around as you do and making sure me nest was in order ‘cos I’m a bit house proud ya see and I don’t likes any mess in me house. After a hard day of buggering about on top of roofs and trees, the last thing I need is a nest chock full of muck and nonsense. I once fell asleep on top of some strawberry Hubba Bubba and it made a right bloody mess of my plumage; no squire, that ain’t happening to me again.”
“Anyway, I looked down and I saw this furry red thing with a bushy tail looking a bit distressed. I thoughts to meself ‘that looks like a squirrel that does’ and when I got closer I could see that I was right: it was a bloody squirrel! The poor little blighter didn’t know if he was coming or going, right, so I thought I may as well help him out. I used to be in the Flying Rats Corp and so I know all about squirrels – right nervous buggers they are, I tell you. Beautiful old tails they ‘ave but mad as a box of frogs most of the time, if you will excuse me for being quite so frank.”
“I goes down to the squirrel and he was stammering and yammering on about not being able to find his nut store and then he was fretting about if he had left the gas on. I managed to calm him down by doing that trick that Crocodile Dundee did in that Crocodile Dundee film. You know the one, right, where he got that bloody great water buffalo to bugger off out of the road so they could all go and watch that silly blonde tart get eaten by a crocodile. Anyway, after a while this squirrel settled down, had a think about where he was, and then he remembered where everything was.”
“I was about to compliment him on his nice tail when he just turned and ran off! Twat didn’t even thank me.”