Michael Cargill

Regular updates of sarcastic and irreverent nonsense.

Tag Archives: pet

Hello, this is dog

dogMaster sends me out from his kennel at night so I can sniff at flowers and leaves and do squeezy until Master calls me back in to tell me I am good boy. I remember when I was puppy I did squeezy on furry blue grass in Master’s kennel; Master rubbed my nose in squeezy and told me I am bad boy.

Master give me biscuit from dog box and tell me I am good boy. When Master eats dinner in front of talking box I stand guard and make sure he knows I will help him finish leftovers that aren’t good enough for him. I go and get dog box so we can share biscuits but Master call me bad boy.

Sometimes Master take me into small room where he do squeezy on shiny white thing. If I try to drink out of shiny white thing or rub my nose in Master’s squeezy, Master tells me I am bad boy.

When Master invite friends round I get nervous so I clean myself for comfort. Ever since Master take me to man who put me to sleep my testicles are not as big they used to be; this mean I lick them for longer but have to stop when Master tells me I am bad boy.

Master put me on chain and we go for walkies on grey grass. If Master sees bitch with two legs he stop to say she smell nice. After more walkies I see bitch with four legs but Master call me bad boy when I try to smell if she on heat. If I do squeezy on grey grass Master put in bag and keep in pocket so he can rub on nose later.

If I good boy Master take me to park full of green grass where I fetch him stick that he drop by accident. After a while I decide it safer if I carry stick for him instead but he call me bad boy if I hold on too tight.

When Master come home from work I will dance and sing him beautiful song in celebration. I then show him buffet I made from tasty biscuits I found hiding in dog boxes and hopefully he call me good boy.

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Justin Bieber’s diary

justin bieberDear diary

Last week mummy bought me a pet rabbit as a surprise for being such a good boy and because she said rabbits are really cute.  The rabbit is really funny and likes to run around in circles and I have named him Playboy after seeing a picture of a lady in a bunny costume on a magazine that daddy sometimes takes with him into the toilet.  For some reason he always spends a long time in there and comes out all red faced and has to go for a sleep-sleep afterwards.

I put the rabbit on my bed and he started doing lots of poos that look like raisins and then he started eating them probably because raisins are really nice.  I decided to copy him and did a poo on the bed and tried to eat it but it tasted like peanuts and got stuck in the roof of my mouth.  When mummy came in and saw me she started shouting and said a word that began with ‘c’ but definitely wasn’t ‘cute’ which is what she says to the rabbit and I did a cry.

Yesterday I let the rabbit out and he was running around and did a big wee on the carpet that smelled like Sugar Puffs but he didn’t try to eat it which was weird because Sugar Puffs are the best ever cereal.  I wanted to give him some of my favourite juice but mummy told me not to and then I tried to see if he wanted to play on my Xbox but he started biting the controller and now the joysticks don’t work properly which means all the angry people do swears at me when I play online which makes me do a cry.

Seeing as its winter I thought he might be cold so I gave him some of my clothes but I accidentally dropped my belt on his head and he stopped moving and now mummy says we have to take him to the vets for a special injection.  I remember when I had a special injection at school and they gave me a sticker to wear afterwards so I hope Playboy doesn’t mind if his fur gets all sticky.

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