Michael Cargill

Regular updates of sarcastic and irreverent nonsense.

Tag Archives: pervert

I am Silvio Berlusconi, boss of Italy and major pervert

berlusconiHey ho, Anglo Saxy peeps. My name is Silvio Berlusconi and as real-life bona fide pervert I consider myself lucky to be an Italian. Not only do Italian ladies have very sexy faces but the police are corrupt and useless bastards, which mean I can do whatever. My favourite trick is to dress up as a park keeper and do a shuffle-walk around the park until I find a lonely lady on her lonesome. I will then say “Hello lonely lady, how are you?” and engage in short conversation whilst moving around so I can see down her top or in between the buttons of her blouse. I have experienced many fine examples of cleavage and side-boob due to my expertise in this area.

Usually I admire German people and race but their leader, Angela Merkel, looks like pig-dog. I would guess that her lady parts are very hairy and messy, which mean I get sick when flirting at EU meetings. EU meetings get very boring if I am sitting next to French boss Nicholas Sarkozy. I believe he is gay and that his strange face scares away all the children. His wife is jolly sexy though and when I make jokes with her she laughs like princess. I once called her a princess and she smiled at me. I then put my hand on her leg and she gave me look of death. I sent her flowers to say sorry she then send me text message saying to pisses off. I looked up French word ‘piscine’ in dictionary and it says is meaning swimming so I have bought lovely bathing suits for me and hers to go swimmings with some day.

I am off to England soon to says hello to posh twat Dave Cameron. There are some mighty fine ladies in Parliament Houses and I often stay hidden on balcony with binoculars to get good looks at fine ladies. I will carry tissue with me so that I can unzip my trouser and do what I call ‘cheesing the pizza’ if I see fine ladies in fine underwear. Many years ago I see Margaret Thatcher in underwear and I had to run to toilet to be sick.

I see now why she is called iron lady her lady parts look like steel wool.

Window cleaner sees fewer naked chicks, quits job in protest

window cleanerPeeping
36-year old window cleaner David Simmons sensationally quit his minimum wage job after getting fed up with “Not seeing as many naked chicks as I used to.” David acknowledges that “times are tough for everyone,” so maybe people “just don’t feel confident about walking around completely naked these days,” but that “Enough is enough.” David told us “I’ve seen some great sights in all my years doing this job. I remember back in 1992 I saw 22-year old student Hayley Barb in her bra. She was a real hot bit of crumpet I can tell you and all the other lads were really jealous when I told them about it afterwards. They nicknamed me ‘Dirty Dave’ after that, a name that I am still proud of to this day.”

Soon after getting the job, David “started keeping a diary of everything interesting I saw,” something which he says marked him out as “A true professional dedicated to my craft as it’s one of the things that marked me out as the best,” he told us. “The lads would try and outdo me with tales of seeing Mrs Jenkins bending over or Mr Davorak pissing in the corner whilst drunk, but none of them had any proof of it. Any time someone doubted me I would just whip out the diary and show them.”

Downfall
When camera phones first started appearing on the market, David was “Very, very excited,” but decided to “Wait a few years because the early ones were a bit rubbish.” For a while, David’s status fell as “Everyone else jumped right onto the camera phone bandwagon,” and “even a blurry, grainy colour picture of a fully clothed middle aged woman was worth a lot in them days.” The moment the iPhone went on sale David knew his time had come and he “Queued up outside Carphone Warehouse for a solid eight hours to get one,” and then “Went straight out to work, I had my bucket and squeegee with me the whole time.”

Despite quickly regaining his status, things “changed within a couple of years,” as “The hunters over-fished the seas, if you catch my drift.” Everywhere David looked “Someone was up a ladder and pointing their phone at something. People soon wised up, which was a real shame.” A bitter David then said, “You know, it’s like they betrayed us as seeing naked chicks was an unspoken perk of the job. Yeah, you paid £1.15 per set of windows cleaned, but the ‘wink-wink, nudge-nudge’ part of the deal was the occasional glimpse of someone in their underwear and they went back on their side of the bargain.”

“Well, let them reap what they sow because I’m done with the industry.”

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