Michael Cargill

Regular updates of sarcastic and irreverent nonsense.

Tag Archives: parliament

Boris Johnson to organise Scaletrix competition in Parliament


Blonde bimbo Boris Johnson, elected Mayor of London, has stated his intentions to organise a night of “Fun and Scaletrix,” that “everyone, even the boring ones,” in the House of Commons is invited to. Johnson has often talked about how stale the atmosphere is in Parliament and that he wants to “Blow some air up the ladies’ skirts.” He said that Ed Miliband, leader of the Labour Party, “Looks like a dork,” but added he is welcome to “borrow some of my aftershave if he wants.”

Recognising that it is a time of austerity, Johnson has called upon MPs to contribute towards the cost of the evening. “I’m bringing my own BBQ that I got from Wilkinsons last year,” and pointed out that “Asda are doing a BOGOF on Heinz baked beans at the moment,” and that he would be “Happy to twos-up with anyone who is short of cash.”


Johnson has also thrown down the gauntlet to Prime Minister David Cameron and challenged him to a “Deathmatch game of Halo on the Xbox,” as he has been “practising online for months.” He described Deputy Prime Minister Nick Clegg as “Actually quite a laugh after a couple of beers,” and that his wife is “A lot of fun once she comes out of her shell.”

Entertainment suggestions included filling the old moat with water for skinny dipping, but Johnson wanted to make it clear that “Harriet Harman isn’t invited to that and neither is Anne Widdicombe.” Johnson was keen to book some celebrities and he is currently in talks with “Frank Bruno and also the short one from the The Krankies.”

“I might even do some wheelies on my bike if the night goes well.”

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