Michael Cargill

Regular updates of sarcastic and irreverent nonsense.

Tag Archives: orange

Former WWF wrestler Hulk Hogan on the politics of citrus fruits

HulkHoganHey guys, it’s the Hulkster here!

Anyone else a fan of camping? I tells you, I love the entire experience – from the moment I lace up my thick leather walking boots, I look forward to that moment at the end of the day when I get to suffocate a small animal with my bare hands so it can be cooked on an open fire.

I remember I once forgot to pack my mallet, meaning I had nothing to bang the tent pegs in with. Luckily, I discovered that I could headbutt the cheeky little varmints into the ground and I’ve never bothered packing a mallet since then!

Now, after a hard day’s hiking around under the hot summer sun, there’s no better fruit to refresh yourself with than a satsuma. Not a lot of people agree, but as far as I’m concerned the satsuma is the best of all the citrus fruits that humanity has so far discovered, yet it’s the orange that tends to get all the praise and popularity these days.  If you ask me, the orange is nothing more than a bully and can be a real mean son of a bitch to get into. I can make mincemeat out of a can of Dr Pepper, but for the life of me I can’t get into an orange without all the pips getting stuck in my ‘tache.

Limes ain’t too bad but they’re green and remind me of Brussels sprouts, which give me real bad indigestion and I don’t like having bad guts when I’m out in the middle of nowhere.

And lemons? Lemons are right sneaky assholes, constantly waiting for the right moment to squirt a bit of juice in your eye when you’re least expecting it. Hell, I remember the last time it happened to me I nearly passed out – getting a dollop of the bitter stuff down your Japseye ain’t no fun and I’ve been wary of handling lemons at bedtime ever since.

A sattsy, though? Thems are lovely things and they’re great for sharing around with your buddies. Whilst everyone else is guzzling down a Budweiser or two, me and the family are in the corner enjoying a delightful array of satsuma segments. Even the pets like a quick nibble on them, though you gotta be careful; I once petted next door’s dog a bit too hard and accidentally caved the poor little mite’s skull in.

Sometimes, I just don’t know my own strength.

‘Big balls ruined my life’ claims shot put enthusiast

Shotshotput

38-year old amateur athlete Bryan Richards has spoken out after realising that “Treating objects as if they are a heavy metal ball resting against my shoulder isn’t all that it’s cracked up to be. It’s given me a permanent crick in the neck and shifted my Adam’s apple all over the place. My social life is in tatters.”

“All those shot putters, they look so wily and strong and I wanted to be a part of it,” Bryan said. However, it turns out there is an unknown dark side to having such well-developed shoulders. “If I was on the phone, I would find myself involuntarily hurling it across the room. None of the mobile phone companies will sell me insurance any more.”

Smash

“I once had some friends round for dinner. I fried some eggs and couldn’t help but lob them into the frying pan from the other side of the kitchen. All the yolks ended up broken and full of bits of shell, it was a complete disaster. Afterwards we played that game where you pass an orange around under your neck – when it was my turn I squeezed too hard and covered everyone in juice. By the end of the evening the walls were covered in peel and pith, it was humiliating.”

Bryan’s fixation has even resulted in bannings from pet shops. “I was in Pets 4 U and picked up a little baby hedgehog. It started curling itself up into a ball and before I knew what I was doing, I had thrown it across the shop. It even burst a little girl’s balloon. She started crying and then I noticed my hands and neck were all scratched up.”

“It’s a good job I hadn’t picked up a porcupine.”

%d bloggers like this: