Michael Cargill

Regular updates of sarcastic and irreverent nonsense.

Tag Archives: murder

Butter knives feeling neglected by serial killers


A cutlery drawer war is currently brewing in domestic kitchens as a new generation of butter knives comes to terms with just how much discrimination is involved when mass-murderers decide which tool is best for the job. Describing the situation as “Totally unfair,” and even as “just another form of racism,” the butter knives claim they are equally entitled to “A bit of fun now and again.”

Although butter knives are generally “easy going and down to earth,” and that “we would probably turn it down anyway,” they just want homicidal maniacs, jilted lovers, and neglected teenagers to know that “it’s still nice to be asked once in a while.” One side of the debate has centred on the fact that “Murder doesn’t always have to involve stabbing, thrusting, and/or slashing,” as a “Well-placed blob of butter, margarine, or lemon curd can be used to block up even the largest of nostrils.”


Not everyone is sympathetic to the plight of the butter knives as tin openers of various types say, “We are gobsmacked at the arrogance of our non-pointy cousins,” and “I would leap at the chance to be used to slowly pry off the top of someone’s skull.” The Christmas period is a “time of real jealousy these days,” as carving knives are “Dusted down and sharpened” in preparation of “Slicing, dicing, and even hacking,” an event for which “no-one else even gets a look in.”

A set of wooden spoons has said “Killing is old hat to us, our ancestors were doing it with sticks and spears a couple of millennia ago.” The metal implements responded with “Whatever you say, old man. Not even the emos will bother trying to slit their wrists with you guys.”

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