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Regular updates of sarcastic and irreverent nonsense.
Something that always shocks me is the reaction I get after telling someone that I like to tip my local doctor. As far as I’m concerned, a civilised country should strive to support the more vulnerable members of society and my experiences suggest that most doctors don’t have so much as two pennies to rub together.
For instance, when was the last time you saw a doctor listening to music? Pretty much never, right? And you want to know why? It’s because those headphone things they’re always wearing round their necks are the exact same ones that the medical world was using back in the 1950s. Take a look at any old hospital photos if you don’t believe me, but I’m telling you there’s no way that that big old-fashioned connector on the end will ever fit in any modern MP3 player.
Tipping your doc is also nice from a morale-boosting perspective. Just the other week, as I was pulling my trousers back up, I spotted a weary look on the doctor’s face as he peeled off his disposable gloves and threw them in the bin. Right there and then, I could see that he was in dire need of an extra little incentive to turn up for work the next day and that it was time for me to put my hand in my pocket. Knowing that I had to be quick, I waggled my finger around the inside of my wallet as expertly as he had rummaged around in my lower colon, before producing the princely sum of £2.45 and placing it on the table in front of him.
The look on his face was priceless!
Mind you, if there’s one thing that does annoy me about doctors, it’s the fact that the tight-arsed bastards never seem to have a bowl of complimentary mints in reception any more.
Got a horse? Got a hound? Then you need Horse and Hound Magazine! Although we welcome newcomers to the world of horse and hound ownership this is not a place for part-timers – if you own just a horse or just a hound then I must kindly (but firmly) request that you place this publication back upon the shelf. Don’t get me wrong, walking your dachshund in the park has its place and sometimes I want to do nothing more than pop down to the stables and feed Gertrude a handful of Extra Strong Mints, but the real zest comes from mounting your mighty steed and having your faithful wolf-hound bounding alongside you.
I’m new to the world of horse-and-hound ownership and I think I have messed up, probably because I didn’t pay enough attention to your handy pull-out-and-keep wallchart that you kindly included with last week’s issue. I made some manure for my garden but the plants aren’t growing any faster. I have been measuring them hourly but the only change is the increasing number of flies buzzing around the tulips. Can you help?
Do not fret for this is one of the most common mistakes that newcomers make. First of all, you should be aware of the difference between horse droppings and hound droppings, for they are very different; it’s horse manure for your garden and dog manure for everything else.
Now I am no expert gardener but I believe you need more patience. As great as horses are, the perk of free manure should be seen as a bonus extra rather than the main attraction. Any excess dog droppings should be put into an envelope and posted to local goat owners – goats are hideous and ugly creatures and their procreation should be discouraged at every opportunity.
What with the recession and everything I am looking for an economical way of getting into this horse and hound world. If I buy a poodle would it be possible for me to rent a small horse on a part-time basis? Or perhaps alternate between horse and hound ownership every other month? Can you help?
Now look here this sort of thing really gets my goat. You cannot cheat your way into horse and hound ownership and your excuse about the recession isn’t good enough. It’s a way of life; a state of being; a philosophy to live by and cherish forever. We don’t tolerate donkey owners, pony lovers, mule sympathisers nor zebra fanatics. Poodles are despicable creatures and it is my sincere belief that they are nothing more than the bastard offspring of confused goats and overly promiscuous sheep.