Michael Cargill

Regular updates of sarcastic and irreverent nonsense.

Tag Archives: mcdonalds

‘Dust is magic’ claims owner of Magic Dust Confectionery

dustSweet

Tony Wood, owner of the Magic Dust Confectionery corporation, has kick started a war of words, by stating that “Every speck of dust, has a touch of magic about it.  Everyone should eat more dust.”  The controversial comments were made during a high-level corporate meeting, to discuss a new marketing strategy.  When asked to confirm if he stood by his statement, Tony was unapologetic, and said, “Yeah.”

Blissfully unaware of the maelstrom that he had set in motion, Wood then went to a fast food restaurant, once the meeting had finished.  According to McDonalds employee Sue Marks, he had “A Big Mac, medium orange juice, and six chicken McNuggets.  He didn’t seem familiar with the the menu, so I asked him if he wanted a meal deal for only an extra 50 pence.  I was surprised when he turned this down, but what can you do in these days of the customer always being right?  I recommended the BBQ ranch dip for his nuggets, but he declined that as well.  He was wearing a suit, so he probably didn’t want to get anything on his shirt.  Makes sense, I guess, but that dip really is nice.”

Sour

Part-time cleaner John Redgrass wasn’t happy, when he heard about Wood’s claims.  “Look, I spend all bloody day sweeping up after these people, and he comes out with rubbish like that.”  Redgrass is keen to dispel the myth before it gets out of control, “Not many people know this, but dust is actually about 70% shedded human skin.  So, can someone tell me what’s so bloody magic about that?  He’s basically promoting cannibalism.  I’m absolutely fuming here, and I haven’t even got around to washing the windows, yet.”

Asthma sufferer Jenny Grain also disagreed with Wood.  “I reckon he’s mentally ill.  I have to hoover every, single, room in my house, three times a week, because of my condition.  If he thinks that that counts as magic, he’s probably been spending too much time watching those crappy David Blaine clips.”

Beauty Baggins’ horoscopes

I got a new flavour of porridge the other day. It hahoroscopesd a nice box and so I thought “Why not?” and bought it instead of getting me usual brand. I mixed it up and noticed that the texture was smoother than the old one and I couldn’t wait to try it out. After bunging it in the microwave for 3 minutes it came out looking bloody marvellous and I decided to put some on my face to see if it was good for me skin. Anyway, I forgot all about it and three hours later it was stuck fast like lumpy superglue. I had to sit in the bath for 3 hours to soak it off… a bath of petrol that is.

Pisces, Taurus, Gemini

Do you like salami? No? Pepperami? Still no? Well what about ham? No again…? Are you a vegetarian? Oh, for goodness sake! Well, just have some beans then but everyone else should pop down to their local supermarket and stock up – Dr Doolittle has been taken sick so there might be a shortage of meat for a while and you don’t want to be serving cheese on toast at that dinner party you’re hosting next week.

Cancer, Leo, Scorpio

If you haven’t got around to washing your windows recently I suggest that you do so. It’s a boring and tedious job but you’ll reap the benefits soon enough. Imagine that you fell and hit your head whilst watching TV or making yourself a sandwich in the kitchen – when the neighbours start peeking in through your windows you don’t want their view blocked with all that grime that has been building up.

Capricorn, Aquarius, Libra

Do you drink your tea in a mug or in a dainty little cup? I bet you cup-users even have a little saucer as well and sip at it as if you’re a special little princess. Man, you lot piss me off you do – just use a mug like the rest of us. Throw those cups and saucers away and you now have loads of extra cupboard space. See? No doubt you will soon fall back into your hoarding ways and fill the shelves with Weetabix or something equally pointless.

Virgo, Sagittarius, Aries

I watched a Batman film the other day. It was great stuff, all dark and moody and everything. There was this one bit, where he did a double-backflip somersault off a table and swung off the lightshade thing on the ceiling. Contrary to how easy it looks in the film, it’s actually bloody hard to do yourself – I’ve had this crick in my neck ever since and it makes looking up at the menu in McDonalds really tricky.

Justin Bieber’s Diary

justin bieberDear diary

I went round a friend’s house the other day and we watched a film called Die Hard. At first I thought it was going to be a film about the crucifixion of Jesus but it wasn’t and right near the start there was this bit where someone did a swear! I couldn’t believe it, I was so shocked. Then some more people did more swears and I had to turn it off because I was starting to get scareded. After that, me and my friend played draughts for a while. Draughts is like chess, but way less confusing. I managed to get one of my pieces across the other side and make it a king! It was so exciting, as I hardly ever manage that because I’m not very good at games with lots of moving pieces.

Later on we got a lift to McDonalds so that we could go and get a strawberry milkshake each. Mummy had Sellotaped the exact money up for me so paying for it was super easy. I love fast food places! So many nice people there, just hanging out and being friendly. All the workers are always rushing around and doing things and shouting things as well. It must be really exciting to work there and be able to shout “Big Mac” all day long whenever you want. They were also really helpful and asked if I wanted fries with it but I said I didn’t because I don’t actually know what ‘it’ is.

When we got back to my friend’s house we blew up some balloons. His dad helped us and one of them popped right in his face which was so funny although it did make me jump a bit at first. His dad can be really silly sometimes. Once he came out of the toilet and his flies were still open and some of his shirt was poking out. I remember once he let me try his slippers on and they were really big. They were quite comfy and I asked if I could have them and he said no.

I did have my own slippers but mummy got cross when I accidentally wore them in the bath.

French President says that Israeli PM is a ‘compulsive fryer’

Skillsfryer

French President Nicolas Sarkozy complimented Israeli Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu’s culinary skills during a recent gathering of world leaders. He said that Benjamin would “Definitely be in his element if he worked somewhere like McDonalds,” as he “Has got a good eye for detail,” and can also “work well under pressure.”

Benjamin is “A man with big arms who could easily lift at least two bags of chips at once, maybe even three, during peak times,” and “If the way he uses his iPhone is anything go by,” the Israeli would have “no trouble at all getting to grips with the till.” In fact, he could “Probably work unsupervised within a couple of weeks,” and maybe even “Promoted to a two-star server before his probation period is over.”

Witty

Nicolas recounted his own younger days working at Le Garlic ‘n’ Chips where he was “Promoted to team leader very quickly,” and boasted how he “revolutionised things by moving the fryer nearer the grill,” so that it was possible to “keep an eye on the burgers and the chips when pouring a banana milkshake.”

Benjamin is “An excellent host,” but is “clearly not a fan of Monty Python’s Life of Brian.” A fish casserole was served up for dinner and afterwards someone remarked “That piece of halibut was good enough for Jehovah!” Obama, Sarkozy and David Cameron, “All laughed and spent the next ten minutes listing what the Romans did for us,” whilst Benjamin “Just sat there with a face as long a horse.”

“He was probably more of an eat-out guy than someone who would sit in and chat with his friends”.

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