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Regular updates of sarcastic and irreverent nonsense.
Christmas was quite stressful for me this year, as I wasn’t sure if Santa knew how much of a good boy I’ve been. Back in the summer, I accidentally fell on a snail whilst practicing the Moonwalk in the garden. I was so upset that I crieded three times afterwards, and helped mummy with the shopping all week afterwards. I even had a go at making my own sandwiches at lunch, but I cut my finger and got blood all over the kitchen floor. I only did one cry that time, and mummy even let me have one of my favourite dinosaur plasters to help make it all better.
On Christmas Eve I brushed my teeth twice, and then sung Kumbayah to my teddies before going sleep sleeps. Santa usually puts my stocking at the bottom of the bed, so when I woke up and it wasn’t there I did another cry until mummy came in and showed me that it had fallen on the floor during the night. We then went downstairs to open the big presents, and I was so excited that I put my dressing gown on inside out! As the presents were handed out, mummy let me have one of the chocolate decorations after I promised that I wouldn’t be sick like I was the year before when I tried to eat the mistletoe.
I think Father Christmas might need to get some new helpers, as one of my presents was a strange blue candle that made a buzzing noise as if there was a giant bee trapped inside it. I asked mummy why it was called a Rampant Rabbit, and her face went bright red like happens when she gets cross if I don’t tidy my room and she said that it must have been given to me by mistake.
My other presents were much nicer, and I got Bugs Bunny slippers, some crayons that smell like chewing gum, and a Harry Potter wand that breaks if you bend it too far.
Yeeees! I’ve finally done it, what everyone has been wanting me to do for so long now! A vasectomy! Er, I mean, erm, I finally published all my funniest articles as a book.
Here, check out the blurby bit:
Michael Cargill has established himself as the world’s leading authority on all things sarcastic, irreverent, and nonsensical. He first appeared in 2012 with a satirical news item about a stray car tyre causing chaos on the streets of Cambridge and since then his efforts have brought forth hundreds of hilarious observations and witticisms about the world we inhabit.
From Justin Bieber’s diary, to Vladimir Putin reviewing a glass of Coke, to Steve Jobs and Princess Diana speaking from heaven, and living proof that vegetarians are the real hunters, this isn’t something anyone should miss out on.
Phew, I’m exhausted. If you’re already a blog subscriber, then feel free to make use of the Smashwords code below to download a free copy. Likewise, if you’re a book reviewer of some sort, then feel free to use the code as well. Any streakers that are planning on running naked in front of the cameras at the Olympics, feel free to use the code in exchange for writing the book title across your bum cheeks.
The Smashwords code for a free version is – WB24B
This morning daddy was reading the newspaper and there was something about Somalian pirates boarding ships and boats that sail too close to shore. It got me excited because I remember when I went to the Pirates of the Caribbean ride at Disney World, me and my friend had so much fun! There was dancing and songs and right at the end we were even able to get our faces painted! I usually choose to be a tiger, but I wonder if that would be too scary for people on a boat as they would feel trapped because they wouldn’t be able to run away from it unless they jumped in the water without a lifejacket. I hope they let you eat Hula Hoops on a boat because if they did I would share them with everyone including Jack Sparrow if I saw him, but not the girl because she is bossy and sometimes shouts.
At school my teacher has been teaching us about Australian aborigines. We were shown some pictures and all of them were nearly naked with the men only having a small tablecloth wrapped round them to stop anyone looking at their willies, which would be quite embarrassing for me, but probably quite handy for going to the toilet as I sometimes find it hard doing my trouser button up. We watched a video where some of them were holding spears and dancing round a fire at night. There were even some children dancing, which was strange as mummy always makes sure I am bed by the time it is dark, and the one time I stayed outside too late with a fire was New Year’s Eve as a special treat.
For dinner we had my favourite chicken nuggets and alphabet potato shapes. I was trying to pour the tomato ketchup but none was coming out so I put a knife into it and suddenly it all came out at once and went all over my plate and I nearly did a cry because I like sauce but not too much at once. Daddy laughed but mummy was cross because she had cooked it all for me as a special treat, so she gave me some of her mashed potato but I don’t really like mashed potato because sometimes it has lumpy bits in it and they make me feel sick.
I left my dinner and had an extra satsuma for pudding which was nice but it had some pips in it.
Today I woke up and saw my light was still on so I turned it off. Usually my mummy does it when I have gone to sleeps but she must have forgotten. I went downstairs to get some juice but my favourite Donald Duck cup was still in the dishwasher so I used the Goofy one instead. The Goofy one is brown and I usually save it for when I have chocolate Nesquik but mummy said it was too early for milkshake so I had juice instead. I like to pretend I am just like daddy so I put a spoon in the cup as if I am having coffee and when I finish I rub my tummy and say “Yum yum that was nice coffee,” even though it was really juice.
I wanted to listen to some music so I put on my favourite Lion King music CD and danced around pretending to be the circle of life. Timon and Pumbaa always make me laugh and I would really like to meet them one day so we could be friends and have lots of fun together. Sometimes I pretend my cat is Pumba and I am Timon, and this one time he did a really smelly farty smell that made me feel sick but later I found it funny because it was just the sort of thing that the real Pumba would do.
In the afternoon I had another go on my Rubik’s Cube toy and almost managed to match up some of the squares but I got bored of it after a while and put it back in my toy box. I have a Donald Duck puzzle that is just like my Donald Duck cup, but the cup was still in the dishwasher so I wasn’t able to finish the puzzle because I couldn’t look at the picture to see what it looks like when it is finished. I once made my own puzzle by drawing a picture on a bit of paper and asking mummy to cut it up into lots of small pieces but she shouted at me for drawing on her bank statement.
I went round a friend’s house the other day and we watched a film called Die Hard. At first I thought it was going to be a film about the crucifixion of Jesus but it wasn’t and right near the start there was this bit where someone did a swear! I couldn’t believe it, I was so shocked. Then some more people did more swears and I had to turn it off because I was starting to get scareded. After that, me and my friend played draughts for a while. Draughts is like chess, but way less confusing. I managed to get one of my pieces across the other side and make it a king! It was so exciting, as I hardly ever manage that because I’m not very good at games with lots of moving pieces.
Later on we got a lift to McDonalds so that we could go and get a strawberry milkshake each. Mummy had Sellotaped the exact money up for me so paying for it was super easy. I love fast food places! So many nice people there, just hanging out and being friendly. All the workers are always rushing around and doing things and shouting things as well. It must be really exciting to work there and be able to shout “Big Mac” all day long whenever you want. They were also really helpful and asked if I wanted fries with it but I said I didn’t because I don’t actually know what ‘it’ is.
When we got back to my friend’s house we blew up some balloons. His dad helped us and one of them popped right in his face which was so funny although it did make me jump a bit at first. His dad can be really silly sometimes. Once he came out of the toilet and his flies were still open and some of his shirt was poking out. I remember once he let me try his slippers on and they were really big. They were quite comfy and I asked if I could have them and he said no.
I did have my own slippers but mummy got cross when I accidentally wore them in the bath.
Mummy woke me up this morning and said that as it had now been two weeks since I last wet the bed, I could have an extra boiled egg for breakfast as a treat. I asked if I could butter and cut the soldiers myself and she said yes. I got up and found my ‘Three Blind Mice’ music tape and left it playing in my tape player whilst I had a bath. I had to call mummy to help me wash my hair because I have to use both hands to hold a flannel to my face so that the shampoo doesn’t makes my eyes sting.
I usually have my Coco Pops in a Winnie the Pooh bowl but it was still in the dishwasher so I used one of the grown up bowls that Daddy uses instead. The grown up spoons are still too big for me so I used one of my plastic crocodile ones instead. When I had finished I looked down at my bib and saw that I had managed to eat the whole bowl without spilling anything.
Later on during the day I went upstairs to my bedroom and looked at my naughty notebook. Sometimes, when I am angry and upset, I will open this notebook and write down the naughty words that I wouldn’t dare say out loud over and over again. Two days ago Mummy wouldn’t let me go out and play in the garden because it was getting dark. I had left my afternoon banana out there by accident but Mummy said it was too dangerous to go out there now as a fox might be sniffing around. I screamed really loudly and went upstairs and wrote ‘poo’ in my naughty notebook.
When I am angry I press down really hard with my crayons but after half a page I will calm down and sharpen it again so it still looks nice on my bookshelf.
Bath night in the Bieber household took a sinister turn after a suspicious rash was found on The Boy Wonder’s penis at the weekend. His shocked mother, who discovered the rash during “Pee-pee washup time,” said that it “definitely wasn’t there last Thursday.” At first she thought that it was “Just some packaging residue from when the family had been playing naked Twister,” but despite “scrubbing at it really hard and saying a silent prayer to Jesus,” it refused to go away.
Justin, a professional on-stage water bottle dodger, said that he didn’t know where it came from but he had noticed that his “Wee wee pipe had been itchier than normal,” ever since he had “stayed the night round Kim Kardashian’s house at the weekend.”
Justin decided to spend the night at Kim’s after “She told me that I was a good boy and that she likes good boys. This made me happy because my mummy says the same thing whenever I carry the heavy shopping to the car for her.” At first Justin had been nervous but said that the “Nurses uniform that Kim was wearing made me feel safe, it was just like being at the hospital for a chicken pox check-up.”
He enjoyed the slap-up meal of “Alphabet spaghetti, chicken nuggets and curly fries,” but said that the jelly they had for pudding “Tasted a bit bitter and weird. I still ate it though because it was yellow jelly, which is my favourite.” They then played some board games and “watched Spongebob Squarepants: The Movie before going sleep sleeps.”
“The next morning Kim told me she had got up early to play Hide the Sausage. I don’t know the rules for that game but she said she was slow and careful so as not to wake me and she is looking forward to seeing mummy’s little soldier again.”