Michael Cargill

Regular updates of sarcastic and irreverent nonsense.

Tag Archives: jack the ripper

There aint nothing that can’t be fixed with a nice sausage

Although I was born in 1956, looking back I can see that msausagesy life before 1978 was empty for it was in that fateful year that I purchased a second-hand sausage-making machine. It’s a real beast of a device of proper vintage construction and it will take your hand clean off if you don’t treat it with respect… and I wouldn’t have it any other way. Late at night, when I’m finishing off the day’s batch of sausages, I swear that I can sometimes hear the ghost of Queen Victoria singing to me as I turn that ivory handle. I can just picture her queuing up at the Royal Palace canteen, plate delicately balanced in her hand, asking for a nice pair of spicy Cumberland bangers so that she can slip them between two slices of freshly baked bread.

At first I kept the machine in the garage at the behest of my good wife – she’s never liked the thing even from the get-go. “Too dangerous,” she tells me, “the sort of thing that Jack the Ripper would have used,” she reckons.

What utter rot. Of course she soon changed her tune when I served up a sausage trifle for dessert when we had all the family round for dinner; she was shedding tears of pure joy and happiness for a good half hour after everyone had gone home. She even went and stayed at her mum’s for two weeks such was her emotional state. When she came back I showed her that I had moved the machine onto my bedside cabinet – she was utterly speechless at the thought of me squelching and banging away until the early hours of the morning!

Begonias, aloe veras, medinilla, and tulips; all beautiful plants and all have worked their way through the cogs and pipes of this machine of mine. I likes to experiment with things and sometimes my experiments throw up a nice surprise every now and then – I put a cactus through it once and it turns out that them spikes don’t ‘sausage up’ very well at all: you end up with spikey bits poking through the skin and they ruin the wife’s non-stick frying pan as well.

Underpants bomber set to be new Batman villain

Newbatman

DC Comics have revealed that the recently convicted ‘Underpants bomber’ is the inspiration behind a new Batman villain called ‘Underpants Bomber’. The Batman franchise is being taken in a completely “New and unexpected direction,” though things are “Still very much in the brainstorming stage with some blue-sky thinking still to be decided upon.” In the comic book world things “Don’t get any sexier than this,” and “The Underpants Bomber is the biggest celebrity to come to Gotham City. Ever.” Various other ideas are being thrown around such as “The Joker flying off to Thailand for a sex change operation,” and “The Penguin being a judge on X-Factor as a kind of replacement for Simon Cowell.”

A spokesperson told us “We’re currently exploring other avenues, such as a long-lost brother who turns up as, I dunno, something like ‘The Trouser Flamethrower’, or a sister who is ‘The Skirt Boomberanger’. Absolutely anything can happen, it’s that mad.”

Things

Batman has been part of British folklore ever since a ban on comics was lifted in 1786 and his popularity has been rising ever since. In the 19th century he became a controversial figure after one storyline had him marrying Napoleons daughter whilst on holiday in France. Half a decade later, Queen Victoria hailed Batman as “A hero of the British Empire,” after he foiled various assassination attempts against the Royal Family. One Christmas edition had Batman on the front with the caption “The Royals might be a bunch of Germans but they’re my Germans.”

The controversy continued when a villain introduced in 1888 called ‘John ye Slasher of the Immoral Ladies of the Night’ was blamed for being an influence for Jack the Ripper.

%d bloggers like this: