Michael Cargill

Regular updates of sarcastic and irreverent nonsense.

Tag Archives: italy

The Pope reviews a lamb curry

popeHai, peeps!

Is Popes here and I have confess to make: I getting bored of Italy. Ever since I was child, I immerse in Italy cultures and Italy way of life. Was once source of pride to know that national sport for Italian men was to sleep with brother’s wife and spend all of monies on shampoo and hairsprays, but now I bored of same old same old every day and is time I experience new things from other places for once.

I start off by placing order for curry from nearby curry place. Man on other end of phone was hard to understand so I ask him his name in case I need to ring back.  He say his name is Trevor which no sound Indian to me so I think he telling me porking pies.  Anyway, food arrive 45 minutes later, deliver by skinny man on motorbike that make lots of noise but no go very fast. I was thinking of ask him if engine is about to fall off, but I end up slam door in his face as I no like his moustache. Already I have fun sample other ways of life.

Okay, so curry is packed into see-through plastic boxes which is very interest for people who like see inner workings of things. I remember I once had fish tank that was see-through, which very useful for watching little fishy swim to and fro. Unfortunate, I forgot feed fish and he suffer slow painful death like man condemned to die by crucifixion on top of hill.

There is two papadums in bag but I no sure what they for.  Maybe for frisbees in garden?  I pour curry out onto plate and it smell very nice.  Now come to taste it and HOLY SHITS IS SPICY AND HOT! Jeezy Chreezy Christ, how is possible to eat when it burn as if devil is crawling around and doing big smelly fart in my throat? Good job I have some communion wafers and holy waters ready for times like this.

Hmmm after few more mouthfuls, I get used to spicy taste – it seem that Italian culture of drink aftershave finally come in handy, no?

For some reason I feeling urge to get drunk on cheap lager and be sick all over someone’s shoes after finishing curry.  I think I save that for next week as don’t want to use up all excite at once.

Queen Elizabeth turns down offer of yacht; would prefer vouchers instead

GroundedMichael Gove

Michael Gove, the British Secretary of State for Education, has had his offer of a yacht to the Queen embarrassingly thrown back in his face when she remarked “After bearing witness to the disaster in Italy, one has decided to holiday closer to home for the Diamond Jubilee.” A Buckingham Palace spokesman has also confirmed that the Queen is “Not at all interested in entertaining Mr Gove’s offer to act out his favourite scenes from the film Titanic.”

This is yet another blow to Michael Gove’s ambitions to be taken seriously after last week’s disastrous visit to a school where he mistook a lunch tray for an iPad. Sources say he picked the tray up and marvelled at the fact that “these things are so lightweight and portable these days.” Canteen staff looked on in amazement as he went on to ask “So how would I go about ordering a marmalade sandwich then?”

Confused

The list of gaffes committed by British governments towards the Royal Family has been growing ever since the 1983 incident when Margaret Thatcher told Princess Diana that “No, your bloody kids can’t have any free milk.” In 2005 Tony Blair famously asked Fergie “So, er, where do you get your wigs from? I’m going a bit thin on top these days so need some advice.”

Prince Philip has responded in typical fashion to the yacht offer by stating “Boats are a bloody load of shit,” and that a better gift would be “Some twat from the army to fly us around in a helicopter.”

“Gove looks like Spongebob Squarepants and always has an expression that suggests he is waiting for someone to feed him a dog turd.”

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