Michael Cargill

Regular updates of sarcastic and irreverent nonsense.

Tag Archives: Internet

Hulk Hogan reviews a thong

Hi there!HulkHogan

Anyone else find themselves bamboozled by all the new technology that appears each week? Seems that every time I walk into a shop there’s a new mobile phone out or someone’s figured out how to put wifi Internet onto a banana. Crazy, huh?

Anyhow. The other day I was out shopping with the wife when I caught sight of some purple elastic things that reminded me of the strings I used to put on my favourite catapult as a kid. ‘Course, these ones in the shop were pretty large so it got me wondering how big modern catapults are and just who in the heck would be capable of holding one… and the only people I could think of was the tallest man in the world and Yogi Bear.  You ask me that seems like an awful small market with little chance of repeat business.

Well, imagine my surprise when I realised that they’re underwear garments! I asked my wife why she liked them and she just shrugged and said “because they’re kinda kooky” without so much as missing a beat. ‘Course, this got me thinking again and I started getting all excited at the thought of biting down on one of these thongs and finding some chocolate chips hidden inside or maybe even a juicy raisin or two. I asked my wife which ones were the oatmeal type and she just looked at me like I was all crazy. “Kooky, not cookie,” she explained, in a way that made me feel about this small.

As a modern man I decided it was only right for me to try them out for myself and lucky for me the shop had a three-for-one offer; I got meself a blue one, a cheeky red one, and a yellow one that had a picture of a cute little rabbit on the front. At first they felt kinda strange but after an afternoon of playing around in the garden with the dog I’ve started getting used to them. Admittedly my little fella popped out once or twice but I don’t think any of the neighbours saw, thank goodness.

Well, I must dash as there’s one heck of a smell coming from out the kitchen; I think my kookys might be burnin’.

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Mikhail Gorbachev reviews a hair net

Mikhail-Gorbachev-150x150Greetings, fine Western peoples of the Internet.  For birthday last year I receive modem of 56k to access and surfs websites of glorious information.  Since then, I have had much fun reading emails from comrades all over the globals.  My most favourite email so far was one of Kylie Minogue doing dance in her underwear and stockings!  It take me three days to download and I can only watch it when wife is in bed, but is worth every penny of large phone bill.  Kylie has nice bottom and does good locomotions, yes?  I think she could be ballet dancer one day, or maybe expensive stripper.  I don’t know, choice be up to her.

Anyway, wife saw me browsing Internet other day and ask me to buy her nice gift.  I say okay and decide to buy hair net.  I love wife dearly, she make best boiled potatoes and pickled cabbage in all of Soviet.  Hair net arrive today and now I open box.  Hmmm, seems website sent me two instead of one.  Must be because modem disconnect whilst I place order and ended up going through twice.  Oh well, mean I have one to practice with before using properly.  I take it out of box and AAARGH!  It look like spider web!  I not like spiders much, they always fall in mouth when I snores at night.  I take quick shot of vodka to calm my nerves before continue.

Right, so what hair net for then?  At first I thinking maybe for keeping spare hair, so can make wig when old and baldy but net have big holes that hair would fall out of.  Maybe it for catching stray hairs blowing in wind, like butterfly net is.  Thing is, hair net have no handle included in box so that mean have to make own one out of sticks.  Only stick I have is for punishing children when they no go up blocked chimney to clear blockage.  Perhaps it like fishing net, and I need to leave it out on pavement to trap passing hairs.  I hope no-one steal it during night, as post and packing is expense on Internet.

Now I think about, wife have hairy under arms so maybe be good for that.  Hopefully it stop spiders too.

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