Michael Cargill

Regular updates of sarcastic and irreverent nonsense.

Tag Archives: indian

The Pope reviews a lamb curry

popeHai, peeps!

Is Popes here and I have confess to make: I getting bored of Italy. Ever since I was child, I immerse in Italy cultures and Italy way of life. Was once source of pride to know that national sport for Italian men was to sleep with brother’s wife and spend all of monies on shampoo and hairsprays, but now I bored of same old same old every day and is time I experience new things from other places for once.

I start off by placing order for curry from nearby curry place. Man on other end of phone was hard to understand so I ask him his name in case I need to ring back.  He say his name is Trevor which no sound Indian to me so I think he telling me porking pies.  Anyway, food arrive 45 minutes later, deliver by skinny man on motorbike that make lots of noise but no go very fast. I was thinking of ask him if engine is about to fall off, but I end up slam door in his face as I no like his moustache. Already I have fun sample other ways of life.

Okay, so curry is packed into see-through plastic boxes which is very interest for people who like see inner workings of things. I remember I once had fish tank that was see-through, which very useful for watching little fishy swim to and fro. Unfortunate, I forgot feed fish and he suffer slow painful death like man condemned to die by crucifixion on top of hill.

There is two papadums in bag but I no sure what they for.  Maybe for frisbees in garden?  I pour curry out onto plate and it smell very nice.  Now come to taste it and HOLY SHITS IS SPICY AND HOT! Jeezy Chreezy Christ, how is possible to eat when it burn as if devil is crawling around and doing big smelly fart in my throat? Good job I have some communion wafers and holy waters ready for times like this.

Hmmm after few more mouthfuls, I get used to spicy taste – it seem that Italian culture of drink aftershave finally come in handy, no?

For some reason I feeling urge to get drunk on cheap lager and be sick all over someone’s shoes after finishing curry.  I think I save that for next week as don’t want to use up all excite at once.

Health advice, with physician Dr. Lemon

Hello, dear readers! A warm welcome to you all, with astethoscopen extra warm welcome to those who are permanently bed-ridden with no chance of recovery. I trust your bedpans have been emptied and your sheets aren’t too soiled? I often get people asking me how I manage to look so fit and healthy all the time. Well, the secret is simple: cleanliness! All over my house there are alcohol-free anti-bacterial soap dispensers that I use every time I move from one room to another. It means there are no bedroom germs in my bathroom and certainly no garden shed germs in the kitchen. I always make sure to have a quick rinse and a shower after I have a bath – there is nothing worse than ruining a nice soak by standing up and covering yourself in your own muck again.

Dear Dr. Lemon

Last week, I sprained my ankle when I was doing the gardening in my high heels. This isn’t something that I normally do but I had locked myself out of the house and the secateurs where in my handbag anyway. However, no matter what medication I take, the pain and the stiffness won’t go away. What do you advise?

Ouch! Sprained ankles are indeed a nuisance not least because it can be awkward trying to balance yourself as you brush your teeth or when waving away a persistent wasp. I would recommend regular warm soapy rinses for this troublesome joint of yours. The body thrives in a clean environment, so if you happen to have a small oxygen-free tent that you can rest your foot in I suggest you make full use of it. Be sure to have a bath and a shower before leaving the house as well.

Dear Dr. Lemon

Recently, I have been suffering from awful toothache despite the fact that I rarely eat anything that is sugary or sweet. I have been to the dentist but he can’t see what is wrong. What do you advise?

Deary me that sounds terrible! A sore mouth makes it hard to order a coffee in the morning, especially when trying to explain to the server that you want them to use the specially sterilised cup that you brought out with you. First things first, make sure your wife isn’t using any cheap discounted lipstick – some of the chemicals that go into budget cosmetics are frightfully dirty. I would also recommend that you make frequent use of steamed flannels like you get in some Indian restaurants. This opens your pores up, allowing your body to cleanse itself. Lastly, make sure you keep your mouth closed whenever you have a hot shower; the steam will be chock full of grime and muck and you don’t want any of that nonsense swirling around those unbrushed molars of yours.

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