- RT @TheTopoftheD: The end of the Commonwealth Games should make me sad. However as a fan of the home nations there are plenty of reasons to… 4 days ago
Peeps who interviewed me
Trailer for Underneath
Trailer for Shades of Grey
Regular updates of sarcastic and irreverent nonsense.
People often say that Posh Spice, AKA Victoria Beckham, is nothing more than a clothes horse, which I think is unfair. If anything, she’s more like a giraffe.
Frank R, France.
Fool your neighbour into thinking he left the oven on by setting fire to his house when he’s out. The look on his face when he learns the truth will be priceless.
Geoff B, Worcs.
Is anyone else jealous of homeless people? It’s socially acceptable for them to get drunk during the day, and most of them seem to have a personal guide dog to help them across the busy roads.
Susan S, Surrey.
“The cat sat on the mat,” sang my five year old niece as she skipped around the garden. Yet I don’t even own a cat. It says a lot about modern society if children are being encouraged to tell such outrageous lies from a young age.
R Flops, Belgium.
Is anyone else worried about the ever-increasing encroachment of CCTV cameras on our lives? Last month I went to Disney Land Florida for the first time, yet when I arrived there was a map with a big arrow saying “You are here.” It’s the way they’re so blatant about it that scares me most.
S Patel, London.
Fool others into thinking you’re blind by randomly bumping into people and saying “Sorry, I’m blind” whilst wearing a pair of cheap sunglasses.
Terry W, Hull.
Banging two halves of an empty pistachio shell together is the perfect way to make people think that a herd of miniature horses are galloping up behind them.
Frank T, Bolton.
This morning I woke up and went into the bathroom to brush my teeth like mummy always tells me to do. Last night she told me that I was a big boy so I decided it was time to use a big boy’s toothbrush rather than the Buzz Lightyear one I got for my birthday. I started brushing the way daddy taught me but for some reason it really hurted and my gums started bleeding. Then mummy came in and shouted at me for putting the toilet brush in my mouth and when I asked her why the toothpaste tasted all nutty she sent me to my room and I did a cry.
In the afternoon I decided to play a game where I pretended to be an animal living on a farm. I got some of daddy’s porridge oats and poured them into mummy’s handbag and put it round my head so that I had a nosebag like a horse does when the farmer feeds him but the bag got stuck and I couldn’t see so I tripped over a hosepipe and got tangled up and I thought a snake was attacking me. This almost made me do a cry but then I remembered that snakes don’t live on farms and everything was okay again apart from the bag that was still stuck on my head.
The other day I drawed a picture of some birdies and when I looked out the window there were birdies eating worms in the garden. I went out to show them my picture but I don’t think they liked it because they all flied away whenever I got near them. I put some bread on my head and stood as still as a statue but none of the birds wanted to be my friend and I did a cry which scared them away again.
Later on in the evening I went to play on my Nintendo but it wasn’t there and I did a cry because I thought the birdies had stolen it but then mummy said she moved it when she was tidying up and so everything was okay again.
A hearty hello to my dear horsey-hounders and a cautious nod to the few remaining houndy-horsers amongst us. I know we have our differences but broadly speaking I guess you could say that we’re all neighing in the same barn… or barking in the same kennel if that’s more your thing. Christmas has been and gone and what a delightful time it was! I gave Gertrude a new set of platinum-plated horse shoes and a box of limited edition mint Matchsticks as a treat; I was thusly rewarded with some spritely show jumping and a hint of playful courtyard prancing. Fido woke up to a hefty slab of the finest sirloin Argentinean steak but I don’t think it had been tenderised properly – he was sick all over his velvet blanket an hour later.
I made a New Year’s resolution to spend more time with my trusty steed, but each time I approach him he barely acknowledges me. I’ve tried dressing up as a shepherd and coating the sheep in aniseed, but still he refuses to take any notice. Can you help?
Of course I can! First of all, you appear to be getting your animals mixed up – aniseed is a special treat for your hound, usually on birthdays, bank holidays, and on the anniversary of the Battle of Agincourt. Occasionally I’ll give my Fido some shavings of aniseed during the Queen’s jubilee if I’m feeling particularly frisky, but don’t overdo it or he’ll be begging for it all the time. The last thing you want is the little fellow poking and prodding you in the back in the middle of the night wanting another round of the good stuff.
Secondly, have you tried giving your horse the old mint and coconut treatment? Start off by putting some mint leaves in your pockets and spending a few minutes at a time with him. Keep building up on this routine and then start feeding him actual mints. I suggest starting with the milder gateway stuff like Tic Tacs at first and then move onto the Trebor Extra Strong as time goes on. Once he is showing an interest in you, now will be the time to go for the jugular! Get two halves of a coconut shell and, just when he’s least expecting it, bang them together so that they sound like a galloping horse – get the timing right and he’ll think an entire herd of mint-laden horses are coming to see him. He’ll be utterly thrilled!
Provided you keep your wits and your pecker up the pair of you will be rolling around in the hay in no time. Feel free to take some pictures and send them in to us!
Got a horse? Got a hound? Then you need Horse and Hound Magazine! Although we welcome newcomers to the world of horse and hound ownership this is not a place for part-timers – if you own just a horse or just a hound then I must kindly (but firmly) request that you place this publication back upon the shelf. Don’t get me wrong, walking your dachshund in the park has its place and sometimes I want to do nothing more than pop down to the stables and feed Gertrude a handful of Extra Strong Mints, but the real zest comes from mounting your mighty steed and having your faithful wolf-hound bounding alongside you.
I’m new to the world of horse-and-hound ownership and I think I have messed up, probably because I didn’t pay enough attention to your handy pull-out-and-keep wallchart that you kindly included with last week’s issue. I made some manure for my garden but the plants aren’t growing any faster. I have been measuring them hourly but the only change is the increasing number of flies buzzing around the tulips. Can you help?
Do not fret for this is one of the most common mistakes that newcomers make. First of all, you should be aware of the difference between horse droppings and hound droppings, for they are very different; it’s horse manure for your garden and dog manure for everything else.
Now I am no expert gardener but I believe you need more patience. As great as horses are, the perk of free manure should be seen as a bonus extra rather than the main attraction. Any excess dog droppings should be put into an envelope and posted to local goat owners – goats are hideous and ugly creatures and their procreation should be discouraged at every opportunity.
What with the recession and everything I am looking for an economical way of getting into this horse and hound world. If I buy a poodle would it be possible for me to rent a small horse on a part-time basis? Or perhaps alternate between horse and hound ownership every other month? Can you help?
Now look here this sort of thing really gets my goat. You cannot cheat your way into horse and hound ownership and your excuse about the recession isn’t good enough. It’s a way of life; a state of being; a philosophy to live by and cherish forever. We don’t tolerate donkey owners, pony lovers, mule sympathisers nor zebra fanatics. Poodles are despicable creatures and it is my sincere belief that they are nothing more than the bastard offspring of confused goats and overly promiscuous sheep.