Michael Cargill

Regular updates of sarcastic and irreverent nonsense.

Tag Archives: hike

British Hiking Association says ‘Slut Walks are crap’

imagesMy name is John Sumpter and I hold the lofty position of Director of Rucksacks here at the British Hiking Association. I am here because I have an important message to deliver to all those damn sluts out there: you are in our sights and we will be right on top of you whether you consent to it or not. You are all in way over your head, you are pushing onto our turf, and we won’t stand for it. It cannot be stressed hard enough that anything related to walking, hiking, pottering, trekking, rambling, backpacking, sauntering, and strolling belongs to us. They have nothing to do with you, the UN, and certainly not the European Court of Human Rights, but to us, the BHA.

I have seen the Slut Walks on TV and I have read about them in the paper and I am appalled and offended at just how irresponsible and dangerous they are. When someone comes to us we make sure that they are properly kitted out and prepared for whatever they are going to do. Do they have the right shoes? Do they have adequate clothing? Do they know how to use an ordnance survey map? Those sluts out there, they are advocating that their members undertake long and daunting hikes across urban built-up areas in nothing other than high heels and a strapless bra; that’s dangerous and I want to know where they are storing their emergency supplies of Kendal Mint cake. None of my phone calls have been returned on this matter.

I empathise with these ladies and the message they are trying to get across, really I do. They want to be able to walk somewhere without being harassed or bothered; well, so do we! Believe me, there is nothing worse than spending three hours navigating your way around the Southern Downs looking for a particular boulder and then having some rich kid with a GPS device coming along to spoil things for everyone. That’s a violation of the BHA code and we vigorously stamp down on such transgressions. However, we deal with it internally and that’s how those sluts should do things too.

We place our balls in their court.

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