Michael Cargill

Regular updates of sarcastic and irreverent nonsense.

Tag Archives: heinz

Vladimir Putin reviews a glass of Coke

PutinHail, comrades! Today I take special delivery of Coca Cola, elixir of taste and fizz. Coke is symbol of Western propaganda, so it delivered in secure box and guarded by KGB agents who ride atop mighty steed of grizzly bear. If Coke manage to escape and run away, it might setup camp in woods and organise democracy rally march. For security I make sure all doors and windows closed, plugs in sink and bath stuffed with ear wax, and chimney blocked with carcass of starving horse. I also leave key in keyhole, so Coke not able to sneak look outside of room.

I unscrew lid of Coke and immediately I see it froth up and try to escape. I let fizz come out slow, so as to keep it in bottle cage. When pour in glass it take me by surprise and froth up much faster and this time it escape over rim of glass! I shout and call in guards so they stop it run away. They get hairdryers and shoot hot air at Coke so it dry up and no trickle across floor. I worry that if it get in ground then Coke plant sprout up and have lots of Father Christmases grow from branches. Father Christmas well known for emptying his sack in sock of children, much like Catholic priest.

Now come to taste Coke, but I worry that Coke is like virus and infect me to be host for something bad. I get guard to drink Coke and then I smell his burp to see if I like or not. Guard drink it but he no burp. I tell him drink more, but he still no burp. I have guard shot for being traitor and decide to drink Coke myself. It nice and tasty and make me do loud burp. I hear guard laughing at my burp so I set bear on him and then I kill bear by getting in headlock.

Next week, if I manage to get tin opener back from neighbour I review Heinz tomato soup.

Charlie Sheen to release build-your-own Charlie Sheen magazine


Madcap heartthrob Charlie Sheen has announced that he is in talks with publishers to “Put himself in every household and news-stand in America,” so that “Everyone can see what makes Charlie Sheen, Charlie Sheen.” He wants the very first issue to come with a fully-assembled head as it will “Get me right there, in your face, and watching you at night.” Ever the gentleman, Sheen said he “Promises to close his eyes when you are getting dressed.”

Several name suggestions cropped up during a recent brainstorming session, with ‘The Sheen Machine Magazine’ and ‘Charlie Foxtrot Alpha Sheen’ being the most popular. Sheen himself is particularly keen on calling it ‘Hello, my name is Charlie Sheen and this is my magazine’ because it is “Simple and to the point. And it rhymes. I like rhymes and I like baked beans, it’s why the ‘beans means Heinz’ slogan was so good. The more you say it the better it gets and I’m going to be saying it all day now.”


Always on the lookout for an innovative approach, by week 15 he hopes to “Include removable penis attachments with each one having a different porn star on the end of them.” Each issue will have “a small picture of a bag of cocaine hidden somewhere among the pages,” with “A special prize of baked beans going to the first person to find it each week.”

This latest venture comes hot on the heels of numerous other endorsements and brands such as ‘Sheeno Beans’, ‘Sheeno Beans on Wheels’ and an investigative documentary on supermarket price fixing called ‘How much are you paying for your beans?’

Responding to rumours about the state of his mental health, Sheen cryptically stated that he “Tends to feel a bit cranky if I haven’t had my morning coffee beans yet.”

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